It’s almost impossible to pick the best TED talks because there are so many great ones. TED talks are opportunities for learning and sources of inspiration. The top TED talks are based on categories since the topics are extremely diverse. I have picked a few of them because they appealed to my desire for self-improvement. [Read more…] about My 5 Personal Best TED Talks
Getting Over Someone: How to Find Closure
Getting over someone who was a significant person in your life is tough and painful, especially if you didn’t initiate the breakup or didn’t want the relationship to end. It becomes doubly difficult when there is no closure and you are left hanging, confused and wondering what went wrong, or why he left you. [Read more…] about Getting Over Someone: How to Find Closure
The 8 Most Popular Diets in the 21st Century
Popular diets are not necessarily effective or healthy. When it’s celebrity-tweeted, or there’s enough promotional hype, millions of people who are forever counting calories take on any newfangled weight loss plan. Here are diets, both good and bad, that had their share of buzz in the 21st century. [Read more…] about The 8 Most Popular Diets in the 21st Century
Can Vulnerability Strengthen Your Relationship?
Most people fear vulnerability. We open ourselves up to disappointment, hurt, pain and rejection. Vulnerability also makes us look weak and needy, or worse, desperate and pathetic! We always want to portray ourselves as strong and independent, capable of being happy and successful even without a man (or woman) by our side. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
But if we’re in a relationship, the walls we build around ourselves, the distancing from our partner, and the closing off of authentic feelings will eventually have disastrous effects on us and our bond with our partner.
The fear of vulnerability usually comes from previous traumatic experiences in childhood that have caused us much pain. But even adults who grew up in warm and loving households learn to shield themselves when they have gone through a tempestuous intimate relationship that left them trampled on, spurned and deeply hurt.
Most times, we are vulnerable, but we take great pains to hide it. We want to be in control and being vulnerable is a sign that we are not as powerful as we want to be. We don’t want to risk revealing our true emotions because when things go wrong, the wounds cut more deeply than if we had maintained an aloof and invincible demeanor.
But in doing so, we are actually missing a lot of opportunities to form closer ties and raise the quality of our relationship. We increase our risk for physical and mental conditions, such as hypertension, heart problems, anxiety and depression. Our overall happiness and satisfaction level is not as high as it should be.
Related reading: 15 Quotes About Rejection that Will Give You Strength
Dr. Brene Brown, an expert on vulnerability, is an advocate for this much maligned and misunderstood human quality. According to her, “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity…” To learn to be vulnerable and begin opening ourselves up and risk rejection and uncertainty, here are some myths that must be dispelled:
-
Vulnerability is a sign of weakness. And because we want to be seen as strong, we walk away from a relationship out of fear of being hurt. Being vulnerable is a sign of courage instead, when we are willing to take the risk by showing our true self, and determining if the relationship still has meaning to our life.
-
We have the choice to avoid vulnerability. The truth is, life itself is vulnerable. We may fake our nonchalance, but we can’t run away from vulnerability. We pretend a brave front and only cry when we’re alone.
-
Vulnerability is being a drama queen and acting out. It’s not. Ironically, it’s having boundaries and trust that enables us to be vulnerable.
-
In lieu of vulnerability, we can choose to be alone and independent. Man is a social being and while it is possible to be alone, without a partner or close friends, our life will be lonely and sad.
So, how does vulnerability strengthen our relationship?
- We are comfortable revealing our genuine self. We can be honest and candid. When we don’t have to hide behind a mask all the time, we become happier and more content, making our relationships better.
- We are open to help from others. In return, we also learn how to help others, and this cultivates empathy and compassion, which extends to our partner.
- Our chances of living a more authentic life is enhanced and this allows us to find our spiritual dimension and forge deeper connection with our partner. In this respect, vulnerability is courage, fortitude and resilience, not weakness.
Related reading:
The Warning Signs of Disconnection and How to Reconnect with Your Partner
Healthy Boundaries You Should Set in Your Relationship
Healthy boundaries in your relationship are the limits you set on what is and is not acceptable behavior from your partner. They pave the way to mutual respect, understanding, support, and caring – essential elements for strong and enduring love. On the other hand, weak or nonexistent boundaries open you up to exploitation, abuse, hurt, and a damaged self-esteem. [Read more…] about Healthy Boundaries You Should Set in Your Relationship
How to Recognize and Stop Passive Aggressive Behavior Before It Destroys You
You may have heard of passive-aggressive behavior but have only a vague concept of it. It’s a personality disorder characterized by subtle and covert negative acts to show defiance to requests and demands, but avoid direct confrontation. In the long-term, like all disorders, it has a destructive effect on our personal relationships, our careers and the quality of our lives in general. Hence, you should stop passive aggressive behavior.
People resort to passive-aggressive behavior for the following reasons:
An open display of negativistic behavior is not socially acceptable. It is unbecoming of us to rant and rave at our co-worker or partner or hurl insults and criticisms because we were taught that it’s not good behavior. So we ventilate our anger and hurt with subtle antagonistic acts.
Related reading: Chronic Anger: Its Consequences and How to Manage It
Passive-aggressive behavior is sugarcoated revenge. In the workplace or in relationships, we vent our anger through indirect acts of animosity or resistance. We call in sick when we feel an officemate is dumping their duties on us. We act sullen at home and stonewall our partner rather than engage in a verbal spat. This is one way of implicitly exercising control and power over them.
We are trained as children not to be assertive. Harsh punishments, derision or ridicule from significant adults, the “brook no argument” type of parents and other family dynamics curb any tendency to speak out and we express our hostility through non-verbal means.
Adults can also turn to passive aggression as a way of self-protection. If they have been in a long-term relationship with a person who has explosive outburst of anger and violence, it’s safer to avoid a meltdown.
How can you tell if you have passive aggression?
You employ the silent treatment. In your relationship, there is clearly an issue you cannot agree on. Instead of discussing it, you keep silent. But deep inside, you resent having to give in, and you’re angry and hurt. At work, you intentionally ignore the co-worker you have an issue with, and avoid socializing in situations where the person is present.
[bctt tweet=”“Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.”” username=”thedailyminder”]
You resort to sarcastic jokes and subtle insults. These can be in the form of caustic remarks or backhanded compliments. Examples of these are, “You’re really pretty even if you’re fat,” and “I didn’t expect you to get the job – Congratulations!”
You have a chronically morose disposition. Although you don’t explicitly say or show you’re angry or sad, it’s evident in your nonverbal conduct. You’re grumpy and sullen, and you give the impression you dislike your current company. You don’t join in the conversation, and you don’t laugh at the jokes. You don’t smile, and your behavior causes the people around you to be uncomfortable.
Related reading: How to Handle Difficult Conversations with Your Partner
You show passive resistance to carrying out routine tasks, at home or in the workplace. You procrastinate, make excuses, put the blame on others, deny your responsibility, or do not complete a task you started. In the office, you exclude the person you silently hate or resent from email chains, or conveniently forget to send a memo for a meeting.
Effects of your passive-aggressive behavior:
Your intimate relationship will gradually deteriorate. When there is a clash of opinions or desires, you don’t talk about it but give your partner the silent treatment, reply in monosyllabic words, ignore them or make funny jokes at their expense. Eventually, the love and affection will fade away. Left unresolved, it leads to perennial acrimony or divorce.
Your career will stagnate or suffer a setback because of your poor performance, inability to fulfill duties on time or at all, and your poor relationships with your co-workers or boss. When your peers climb up the corporate ladder and leave you behind, you become angry and resentful, and intensify your negativistic acts.
Your friendships dwindle, and your friends stay away from you because you always act sullen, and are constantly complaining and gossiping. Without your friends, you feel isolated and unwanted. Self-pity, depression and anger sets in.
How to stop passive aggressive behavior:
1. Be aware that you have passive-aggressive behavior.
Check your actions against the signs. If you have more than half of them, you’re most likely one.
2. List possible reasons and recent events that made you angry or hurt you, but you kept your emotions locked inside.
3. Look at each upsetting situation from another angle and be objective about it.
4. Learn to be assertive. Express your opinions and feelings in an honest and nonconfrontational manner.
5. Reflect on your negative moods and disposition, and their effect on you and the people around you. Cultivate optimism and a happy attitude.
6. Take accountability for your passive aggressive behavior instead of blaming the other person.
