Healing

Emotional processing: getting in touch with your feelings

Many of us spend a lot of time suppressing our emotions, trying not to let others see how we really feel. There are many reasons why we do this – pride, fear, embarrassment or self preservation to name a few.

It’s understandable why we do this. For example you might not want to let your boss know that you are stressed or depressed because you are worried you might lose your job. So you ignore those stressed or depressed feelings, burying them so that you can get on with life. Maybe you’ve even developed strategies for burying your emotions, turning to a glass of wine at the end of a stressful day, or a box of cookies when you feel sad.

Originally posted on September 26, 2012 @ 3:38 pm

Treating Yourself with Care: 5 Ways to Rejuvenate

There’s much more to taking care of your health than meets the eye, literally. Of course, it’s important to maintain physical health, but what many people don’t realize is that caring for your mental and emotional health is just as vital to your well-being. What’s more, issues with your mental and/or emotional health can extend into the physical realm, contributing to a variety of physical conditions, ranging from a common cold to cancer. Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to nourish your non-physical self so as to protect your physical self and, ultimately, treat the entirety of your well-being. Here are some tips to treating yourself with care: five ways to rejuvenate.

Exercise

It may seem counterintuitive to think that exercise can actually calm your body and give you more energy at the same time, but it’s true. That’s because exercise releases your body’s feel-good chemicals, countering stress, anxiety, depression, and all that bad stuff that builds over time if you don’t take the time to care for yourself. [Read more…] about Treating Yourself with Care: 5 Ways to Rejuvenate

Originally posted on October 19, 2011 @ 4:13 pm

How to Let Go of the Past and Not Fear Your Future – PART 2

photo credit: lanuiop

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” – John M. Richardson, Jr.

A few days ago we looked at how to let go of the past; the first article in our two part series on letting go of the past and facing the future. Today we are going to go over part two – learning how to not fear your future. I hope something I write is helpful to someone out there.

Letting go of the past is necessary before you face your future

The reason I spent the first article talking about letting go of the past is because it is necessary to do so before you can face your future with any real sense of fearlessness. Those people who have accepted their mistakes/failures and moved on from times gone by are much better equipped to deal with what is going to happen in their future.

If you are really serious about learning to face your future with bravery you need to let go of the past. Accept your failures and mistakes and let go of that baggage.

How to not fear your future

photo credit: jiulliano

I have always found it extremely interesting how some people are caught in the past while others are terrified of the future. I don’t know why, but it always seems as though we are trapped in one extreme and never balanced in the middle.

When you fear the future you are unable to truly live in the present moment. You destroy your chances for happiness because you spend all your time worrying about what is going to happen instead of enjoying the life you actually have. Here are some suggestions that might help you move away from fearing the future. If you can apply these to your situation you will, hopefully, be able to find some happiness.

1. Understand that the future is uncertain
If you think that something bad is going to happen down the track you need to realize that this is uncertain. No body knows what is going to happen even a few hours from now, let alone ten years down the road.

If you find yourself worrying about the future it is important to remind yourself that it is uncertain as to what is going to happen. Your situation might not be as bleak as you think. In fact, what you understand that the future is uncertain you will be well equipped to understand the second point.

2. The future can be created
Your future is in your hands. No body is going to make anything happen for you unless you go out and try to achieve it yourself. Now, instead of being depressed by this fact it is important to realize that you are in an extremely hopeful place. You are living in a time and a place where opportunities are everywhere. At no other time in history have human beings been able to give up their livelihood and search for something new or something better. But we can.

Why fear the future when we have control over it? Why worry about the next few days or weeks when we know we can do something about it now? And while everyone tells you to live in the present moment you still need to make preparations for tomorrow. That is fine as long as you do it with mindfulness and awareness.

3. Realize that things change slowly
When I was in India a few years ago I was staying in a Buddhist Monastery where a very powerful Tibetan lama was staying. People often reported that being near this particular lama caused powerful emotions to arise and you could either deal with them or let them scare you away. Well, I decided to deal with them. True to legend I started having very emotional thoughts about the future. I was scared. Panicked even. I was worrying about where I was going to be, who I was going to be with and whether I’d ever be happy.

After a few hours of this emotional mess I had a bit of a breakthrough. Although it wasn’t anything like a sudden realization or awakening moment, it has stayed with me my entire life. I understood that things change slowly. It does not all happen at once. You do not wake up one day and all your friends are dead and you have no one to talk to. Things change slowly. When you understand this fact you give yourself a lot more room to move – it is not as scary.

4. Meditate on mindfulness
Mindfulness meditation is one of the premier ways to deal with a fear of the future. Why? Because it brings you in touch with the present moment better than almost anything else. And when you can do that you will find that all of your fears and worries dissolve of their own accord.

photo credit: hylah

Again, I want to point you to this article on meditating on mindfulness. It is simple to do and extremely effective. As soon as you notice that you are becoming worried about the future begin the meditation. Focus on the breath going in and out of the nose. Count the breaths. Relax. Once you become expert at this you will find that your thoughts no longer control you as much – you learn to see through their illusion. Perhaps your idea of the future was just a false concept that you cooked up?

5. Remember you are not alone
Community is a very important thing. Human beings are social creatures and, more often than not, they need the love and affection of other humans. This is important to remember when you are thinking about the future. You need to remind yourself that you will always have people who love you.

Let me give you an example. A few days ago I was getting quite uptight at the possibility that I might have to leave my home town to go and live in another city. The idea really frightened me – leaving my friends and family behind. But, after a while I realized that a lot of my good friends are now overseas doing other things. We stay in contact on email or sms and usually see each other once or twice a year. Furthermore, I realized that I could always call home or book a flight back for the weekend. No matter how lonely your prospects of the future might seem remember that you are never alone.

And, if worst comes to worst, you can always chat to me on Twitter. I will be happy to be a shoulder to lean on.

6. The future is the same as the monster under your bed
The final thing that I want to say is that worrying about your future is the same as worrying about the monster that was under your bed when you were four. Essentially, us grown adults, are worrying about something that doesn’t exist. The future has not come about yet. It is not a solid thing that will hurt you.

The future is like the monster under your bed – recognize that it is a concept created by your own mind and you will have a great deal of power over it.

Conclusion

Letting go of the past and not fearing the future can be hard. But it is important to try and do it. If you can learn to live in the present moment your life will be a lot more spontaneous and joyful. It will be a lot lighter and spacious and you will feel less stressed and trapped.

If anyone has any other tips on how to not fear the future please leave a comment. I would love to hear what you have to say.

Originally posted on March 20, 2009 @ 4:50 am

How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments

photo credit: leFroy

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” – Eliza Tabor

Over the course of your life you will encounter many disappointments. Sometimes it will be a loved one who let’s you down. Sometimes it will be a work deal or a business meeting that doesn’t go as planned. Other times it will seem as if the whole universe is kicking you in the head just because it can.

If you want to live a happy and fulfilled life you need to learn how to deal with life’s disappointments. In this post I am going to talk about a few strategies that you can use next time you feel let down.

Are your expectations realistic?

photo credit: snakemanrob

One of the first things you need to look at when you are feeling disappointed is whether or not your expectations were realistic. I want to tell you something that might sound quite radical:

It is your expectations that create your disappointment. Nothing else.

That’s right. It is your expectations that create the fertile ground for your disappointments to flourish. Although it might seem like your business partner let you down by not coming up with the goods it was, in actual fact, your expectations that led you to believe that this event would not occur.

The next time you feel disappointed by some situation I want you to take a few moments to look into your mind. Examine the situation and start to think about whether or not your expectations were realistic. I think you will find that, in almost all situations, your big disappointments will be caused by unrealistic expectations.

Should I have no expectations?
If you start to realize that your expectations are partly to blame it is natural to then think that perhaps you should have no expectations whatsoever. This is an interesting point that I would like to hear some discussion on as I am not completely sure of the answer myself. Should we have zero expectations or should we just try to be more realistic?

Is your reaction realistic?

photo credit: videoplacebo is not

One thing I have noticed over the years is that my own mind is quite unrealistic when it comes to reacting to disappointment. Let me give you an example. [Read more…] about How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments

Originally posted on March 3, 2009 @ 1:48 pm

The Art of Forgiveness: How to Learn to Forgive Yourself and Others

photo credit: Magagggie

Last night I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a coffee and watched a movie called Kite Runner. This film is set in Afghanistan and is about two best friends who end up parting ways due to the war and a terrible incident that occurs between them. Many years go by and finally one of the friends is presented with an opportunity to redeem himself and win his childhood companion’s forgiveness. The story that ensues is one of the most heartbreaking, honest and beautiful stories that I have ever had the pleasure of watching. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried my eyes out at the end of this one.

One of the main themes in Kite Runner is forgiveness. Forgiving others for what what they have done to you and forgiving yourself for mistakes you have made. Inspired by this touching story I decided to write a few thoughts about how you can learn the art of forgiveness.

NOTE – this is not a religious post. Forgiveness, like ethics in general, is not something that should be limited to those who go to church. This post has practical and meaningful applications for every one of us.

Giving forgiveness a chance

Forgiveness is a tricky subject that is hard for many people to approach. I know that one of my family members is completely shut off to the idea of forgiveness, especially when the recipient is my father. Sometimes pain and hatred get in the way of more helpful solutions like forgiving and moving on.

If you feel like you might be one of those people who don’t “believe” in forgiveness I ask that you read on and see if any of these points hit home for you. I used to be like you. I found it extremely hard to forgive people who had hurt me. But my attitudes changed when I saw some concrete evidence that showed me that I would be happier if I gave forgiveness a chance.

I ask that you give it a chance too.

How forgiving are you really?

Many of you might think that you are already pretty forgiving people. I know a lot of my readers are extremely loving people who are excited about self-development and helping others. But are you that forgiving? Let’s see.

Here is a list of a few people you might have forgiven, and a few you might not have. Some of them have made some small mistakes, others have caused terrible harm. How many (if any) have you forgiven:

Your father
Your mother
A teacher that embarrassed you in school
Your political leaders
Osama Bin Laden
The guy who cut you off in traffic
A guy you got in a fight with
Yourself

This might seem silly but sometimes it is easier to forgive someone for a big thing like killing your friend in a car accident than it is the guy who deliberately cut you off in traffic. Why? Because you can see the former person’s remorse. You want to forgive them. You don’t want to forgive the person who doesn’t care a less whether you are happy or sad. You really don’t like that person.

Other people might find it easier to forgive the guy who cut you off in traffic than the guy who crashed in to the twin towers in New York. After all, those people killed thousands of innocent human beings. Why the f%&k should we forgive them.

You might be right. Maybe we shouldn’t. All I am asking is for you to take a look inside and ask, “how forgiving am I really? Do I always forgive, or only some of the time?”

Why we should learn the art of forgiveness

photo credit: lant_70

So why should we learn to forgive those who have done us wrong? Why should we give them a second chance? There are many philosophical answers to this question but I want to tell you one practical reason that you might not have thought of: it is ruining your life.

A few years ago when I was in India listening to one of His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s teachings he started talking about forgiveness. Now the Buddhist concept of forgiveness is very different to the Christian one. In Buddhism there is no God to pray to for forgiveness. There is just you and your mind and your relationship with other sentient beings. His Holiness started talking about how he thought it was kind of stupid to not forgive someone. My ears pricked up knowing that he would have something interesting to say about forgiveness after what had happened to his country.

The analogy he gave was very illuminating. He talked about how you might be angry at one of your enemies for something they did to you. You carry the anger around with you every day. You think of how horrible that person is and how you would love to get back at them for what they did. But while you are busy hating them hey have long forgotten about you and your issues. They are off enjoying life. They are moving on. But you are stuck. Stuck in a moment that happened long ago. And the only way for you to move on is to forgive them.

I think this is one of the best approaches to take if you do not like the idea of forgiving someone. Do it for yourself. If you don’t forgive that person it is going to be you that suffers. They don’t care. They have moved on. But you will be stuck in an angry place for a long time to come. This is the main reason why we should learn the art of forgiveness; to give ourselves a second chance at happiness.

How to forgive yourself and others

Now I want to give you a few strategies to help you learn how to forgive yourself and others. Not everything here is going to work for you. That’s fine. Just take what you think might work and apply it to your situation. [Read more…] about The Art of Forgiveness: How to Learn to Forgive Yourself and Others

Originally posted on October 20, 2008 @ 2:47 pm

Love Loss: Why We Have Forgotten About Love and Why We Desperately Need it Back

photo credit: paturiku

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

As soon as I wrote the word “love” in the title of this post I had a vision of 80% of my readers rolling their eyes and thinking, “great… here comes another post about love“. For some reason love is not a very cool thing these days. But I don’t care. I’m not all that cool anyway. In this post I want to talk about how we have lost touch with the art of love and why we desperately need to get it back.

Love is not romance or sex

Before I get in to the juice of this post I need to define some terms. Love is not romance. It is not sex. Actually, I should say that it is not just sex. It is so much more than that. This is one of the reasons that we have lost touch with love because we really have no idea what it is. If you walked up to 100 people on the street and asked what love is I think most of them would talk about being “in love”. That is nice. It is romantic. But, honestly, it is selling love short. Because love is so much more than that.

Let’s take a look at few more encompassing ideas about what love really is:

The Buddhist version of love
In Buddhism love is not romantic at all. It is not about starry nights and sunsets on the beach. Nope. It really isn’t. In Buddhism love is defined as “the wish for all beings to be happy“. It is the other side of compassion which is defined as “the wish for all beings to be free from suffering”. It is the very heart and soul of Buddhism because without love for other beings you have no chance of progressing along the path to enlightenment.

The Buddhist idea of love is an excellent one because it is both personal and impartial. What it teaches you to do is take the feelings you have for your friends and family and expand them out to all sentient beings. Your love is no longer reserved just for your wife and kids; you give it to everyone. Why? Because other people are someone’s daughter or son or brother or sister too. And because you know what it feels like to love your own son or daughter you know that it must be important to others as well. Buddhist love is wanting others to be happy.

The Ancient Greek version of love
One thing that is really limited about the word “love” is that it is only one word. We have one four letter word to describe tens of different emotions and feelings. The Ancient Greeks were on to this and as such they had several different words for love so as to not dilute the meanings.

Philia is a term developed by Aristotle and is a love towards friends and family, co workers and other members of the community. This type of love is about a mutual dependence – we love each other because it benefits us both. Storge is the natural affection that a mother feels for her baby. Eros is the word used for romantic love and xenia is the greek idea of love between a host and his guest where the guest repays the host’s kindness with nothing but gratitude.

The theistic version of love
Christians, Muslims, Jews and Hindus also have the type of love that is between a person and God. This type of love is not romantic but is more about respect, gratitude and even fear.

Christians love God because they are grateful for the life he is given at the same time as being fearful of his wrath. The same is true in Islam where the words rafah and rahmah relate to God’s compassion and mercy respectively. As you can see the theistic idea of love is different to general ideas about love.

Love is many things
The point of looking at all of this is to show you that love is far more than just the romantic versions that we see on TV. It is about brotherhood, community, friendship, altruism, happiness and so on. When we look at love in these broader terms it is easy to see how it can be so important for the world today. And that is why we need to remember how to do it.

Originally posted on September 30, 2008 @ 6:48 am