Spirit – Page 39

The Art of Forgiveness: How to Learn to Forgive Yourself and Others

Last night I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a coffee and watched a movie called Kite Runner. This film is set in Afghanistan and is about two best friends who end up parting ways due to the war and a terrible incident that occurs between them. Many years go by and finally one of the friends is presented with an opportunity to redeem himself and win his childhood companion’s forgiveness. The story that ensues is one of the most heartbreaking, honest and beautiful stories that I have ever had the pleasure of watching. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried my eyes out at the end of this one.

One of the main themes in Kite Runner is forgiveness. Forgiving others for what what they have done to you and forgiving yourself for mistakes you have made. Inspired by this touching story I decided to write a few thoughts about how you can learn the art of forgiveness.

NOTE – this is not a religious post. Forgiveness, like ethics in general, is not something that should be limited to those who go to church. This post has practical and meaningful applications for every one of us.

Giving forgiveness a chance

Forgiveness is a tricky subject that is hard for many people to approach. I know that one of my family members is completely shut off to the idea of forgiveness, especially when the recipient is my father. Sometimes pain and hatred get in the way of more helpful solutions like forgiving and moving on.

If you feel like you might be one of those people who don’t “believe” in forgiveness I ask that you read on and see if any of these points hit home for you. I used to be like you. I found it extremely hard to forgive people who had hurt me. But my attitudes changed when I saw some concrete evidence that showed me that I would be happier if I gave forgiveness a chance.

I ask that you give it a chance too.

How forgiving are you really?

Many of you might think that you are already pretty forgiving people. I know a lot of my readers are extremely loving people who are excited about self-development and helping others. But are you that forgiving? Let’s see.

Here is a list of a few people you might have forgiven, and a few you might not have. Some of them have made some small mistakes, others have caused terrible harm. How many (if any) have you forgiven:

Your father
Your mother
A teacher that embarrassed you in school
Your political leaders
Osama Bin Laden
The guy who cut you off in traffic
A guy you got in a fight with
Yourself

This might seem silly but sometimes it is easier to forgive someone for a big thing like killing your friend in a car accident than it is the guy who deliberately cut you off in traffic. Why? Because you can see the former person’s remorse. You want to forgive them. You don’t want to forgive the person who doesn’t care a less whether you are happy or sad. You really don’t like that person.

Other people might find it easier to forgive the guy who cut you off in traffic than the guy who crashed in to the twin towers in New York. After all, those people killed thousands of innocent human beings. Why the f%&k should we forgive them.

You might be right. Maybe we shouldn’t. All I am asking is for you to take a look inside and ask, “how forgiving am I really? Do I always forgive, or only some of the time?”

Why we should learn the art of forgiveness

photo credit: lant_70

So why should we learn to forgive those who have done us wrong? Why should we give them a second chance? There are many philosophical answers to this question but I want to tell you one practical reason that you might not have thought of: it is ruining your life.

A few years ago when I was in India listening to one of His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s teachings he started talking about forgiveness. Now the Buddhist concept of forgiveness is very different to the Christian one. In Buddhism there is no God to pray to for forgiveness. There is just you and your mind and your relationship with other sentient beings. His Holiness started talking about how he thought it was kind of stupid to not forgive someone. My ears pricked up knowing that he would have something interesting to say about forgiveness after what had happened to his country.

The analogy he gave was very illuminating. He talked about how you might be angry at one of your enemies for something they did to you. You carry the anger around with you every day. You think of how horrible that person is and how you would love to get back at them for what they did. But while you are busy hating them hey have long forgotten about you and your issues. They are off enjoying life. They are moving on. But you are stuck. Stuck in a moment that happened long ago. And the only way for you to move on is to forgive them.

I think this is one of the best approaches to take if you do not like the idea of forgiving someone. Do it for yourself. If you don’t forgive that person it is going to be you that suffers. They don’t care. They have moved on. But you will be stuck in an angry place for a long time to come. This is the main reason why we should learn the art of forgiveness; to give ourselves a second chance at happiness.

How to forgive yourself and others

Now I want to give you a few strategies to help you learn how to forgive yourself and others. Not everything here is going to work for you. That’s fine. Just take what you think might work and apply it to your situation. [Read more…] about The Art of Forgiveness: How to Learn to Forgive Yourself and Others

Originally posted on October 20, 2008 @ 2:47 pm

The Guide to Developing Self-Discipline That Lasts

Inspiration, Personal Growth, Spirit

photo credit: UBC Library Graphics

“The only difference between Buddhas and ordinary beings is discipline.” – Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche (1920 – 1996) a great Buddhist meditation master.

When you hear the word “discipline” do you think of Samurais, Shaolin Warriors and Buddhist Monks? Do you think about professional football players or perhaps members of the armed forces? Do you feel like it is something that is reserved only for a few dedicated and extremely tough individuals? Well it isn’t.

This post is the complete guide to developing self-discipline that lasts. Not self-discipline that lasts one or two weeks. Discipline that lasts your entire life. Once you have developed this, anything is possible. The guide is based on lessons and tips I have learned from many successful people who have mastered self discipline. I, however, have a long way to go.

Why we lack self-discipline in the first place

photo credit: lintmachine

What is the one thing a person needs to attain their goals and dreams? Self-discipline. Sure there might be a place for influential contacts, money and natural ability but in the end it comes down to discipline. It is the one part of the “success equation” that you cannot do without. Every great person has possessed it. So why are we lacking in self-discipline?

Well, the answer is actually pretty simple. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work it out.

We are all spoiled.

That’s right. Spoiled. Now don’t go an get all offended on me. I am not personally attacking anyone. I am saying that in general, as a culture, we are a pretty spoiled bunch. We have televisions to occupy us, internet social sites to keep us connected, alcohol to numb our depression and a fair amount of money to spend on short term entertainment. We are pretty spoiled. It is called instant gratification.

I am not saying that everyone here has it easy. You don’t. Many of you (I know because you email me) have mortgages the size of Everest and children to feed. This is not an easy life. Far from it. In fact, you might already have more discipline than you think!

The reason I say that we are spoiled is not to make you feel guilty or ashamed. It is to highlight the fact that, other than the things like work and family, we have it pretty easy. When we want to be entertained we just flick a button. When we want some food we just go to the supermarket. When we want to be satisfied we just… well… you know…

We have grown accustomed to getting things quickly. And when our dreams, goals and ambitions don’t come as quick as everything else we lose motivation. We lose self-discipline. After all, why would we work on something that is arduous and difficult when we could be watching TV? Instant is so much quicker.

Why we need self-discipline to be successful and happy

Okay, I’ll admit it. Instant gratification is pretty good. I like a good drive-through meal as much as the next person. But is it truly satisfying? Does it forever quench your desire leaving you in a permanent state of bliss?

Not really… [Read more…] about The Guide to Developing Self-Discipline That Lasts

Originally posted on October 13, 2008 @ 5:15 am

The Scariest Place on Earth: How to Conquer Your Fears & Develop Bravery

Inspiration, Mental Health, Mind, Personal Growth, Spirit

photo credit: ? Mathias Pastwa ?

“Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.”

– John Berridge

Throughout my teen years and early adulthood I was constantly afflicted by fear. I was afraid of midnight robbers, contracting exotic illnesses and losing my loved ones. I was afraid of change. Deathly afraid of change. But thanks to some “events” that took place at the most dangerous place on Earth I am now living my life with more bravery.

Today I’ll share these events in the hope that they might help you conquer your fears and develop some real world bravery.

Why I used to be afraid: the effects of my father

When I look back to my childhood, high school days and early adulthood I see that I wasted a lot of time being afraid. The fear was complex and multi-layered – diseases, death, punishment, lost family members, change, war, etc. I was afraid of a lot of stuff!

If I think about it with my “adult hat” on I reckon it probably had a lot to do with my father. He was a bit of drinker and while he was a good man (for the most part) he did do a lot of things that made my siblings and I fearful people. Things around our house were never stable or secure. We were always worried about what state he would come home from work in, and how he would react to our behaviors. It was touch and go for a long time.

When you are afraid of your father you generally grow up to be afraid of lots of things in life. You have trust issues. You are afraid of committing to people because you are afraid they will wrong you. You are afraid of chasing your dreams because it might not work out. And you are afraid of ending up like him.

A quick look at any psychology textbook will show you that a huge majority of our neurosis’ come from our parents and the way they taught us to cope with things and the way they brought us up. But do you know what the biggest way they influenced us was? It was the way they themselves behaved and lived. Their example. A child’s impressionable little mind picks up everything. Every fight with mom, every bad day at work and every bad vibe. Everything. And these impressions stay with us for the rest of our lives or at least until we are mature enough to start changing them.

A lot of my fear came from my father because he lived his life in fear while I was growing up. I can’t remember a single example where my dad taught me about bravery through his actions. I think thats why I was afraid for a long time. It was all I knew how to do.

What are you afraid of?

Do you have a lot of fear in your life? Are you not as brave as you should be? Some common fears include:

Fear of flying
Fear of commitment
Fear of disease and death
Fear of war
Fear of failure
Fear of success (yes, success)
Etc.

The lessons I learned at the scariest place on Earth have helped me with all of these fears. I now have a set of tools I can use whenever fear rears its ugly head.

Conquering fear at the scariest place on Earth

Picture this. You are in place that has the highest crime rate in the world outside of Iraq. A place where you can’t go out after dark because bandits will rob, rape or kidnap you. A place where 55% of the Government officials are convicted murderers, rapists or fraudsters. Picture yourself as a young white boy with curly blond hair. Picture yourself stranded there at 3am while hundreds of onlookers peer out from behind their scarf-wrapped faces wondering what the hell you are doing there.

Originally posted on October 8, 2008 @ 5:04 am

Lending A Helping Hand: Who Needs Help?

Inspiration

photo credit: ?????

My long time internet hero Leo Babauta wrote a post today called Success isn’t a Competition. In that post he decided that he was going to open up to the internet community and help others in whatever way he could. He even offered some advertising space on his blog for free (which The Daily Mind was fortunate enough to get!).

One thing I love about the internet is the speed at which a good cause can gain momentum. In my post yesterday on why we desperately need love back I talked about how every action has a result and encouraged others to live in a more loving way.

Therefore, following in Leo’s footsteps and in the spirit of that post I want to open up my own services and blog to those who need it. Some ways I might be able to help include:

Link love
If you have written a post that you think might help someone I will link to it on The Daily Mind.
A shoulder to cry on
If you have some problem in your life that you really don’t know how to deal with you can send me an email using this contact form and I will try my best to be a shoulder for you to cry on. I’m not guaranteeing that I will be any help but I can guarantee I will listen and support you. Perhaps we can figure out a solution together?
Any other ideas
If you have any other ideas about how me or The Daily Mind might be able to help just let me know. I will consider anything as long as the true motivation is to bring some benefit.

Can you help?
If you think you might be able to lend a hand in some way please leave a comment and let us know. I am hoping that Leo’s post will spark a wave of charity across the net! Some ways you might be able to help include:

Linking to blog posts
Offering free services (financial, plumbing, etc.)
Offering some advice
Etc.

Looking forward to the response!

Originally posted on October 2, 2008 @ 4:57 am

Love Loss: Why We Have Forgotten About Love and Why We Desperately Need it Back

Healing, Inspiration, Spirit

photo credit: paturiku

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” – His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

As soon as I wrote the word “love” in the title of this post I had a vision of 80% of my readers rolling their eyes and thinking, “great… here comes another post about love“. For some reason love is not a very cool thing these days. But I don’t care. I’m not all that cool anyway. In this post I want to talk about how we have lost touch with the art of love and why we desperately need to get it back.

Love is not romance or sex

Before I get in to the juice of this post I need to define some terms. Love is not romance. It is not sex. Actually, I should say that it is not just sex. It is so much more than that. This is one of the reasons that we have lost touch with love because we really have no idea what it is. If you walked up to 100 people on the street and asked what love is I think most of them would talk about being “in love”. That is nice. It is romantic. But, honestly, it is selling love short. Because love is so much more than that.

Let’s take a look at few more encompassing ideas about what love really is:

The Buddhist version of love
In Buddhism love is not romantic at all. It is not about starry nights and sunsets on the beach. Nope. It really isn’t. In Buddhism love is defined as “the wish for all beings to be happy“. It is the other side of compassion which is defined as “the wish for all beings to be free from suffering”. It is the very heart and soul of Buddhism because without love for other beings you have no chance of progressing along the path to enlightenment.

The Buddhist idea of love is an excellent one because it is both personal and impartial. What it teaches you to do is take the feelings you have for your friends and family and expand them out to all sentient beings. Your love is no longer reserved just for your wife and kids; you give it to everyone. Why? Because other people are someone’s daughter or son or brother or sister too. And because you know what it feels like to love your own son or daughter you know that it must be important to others as well. Buddhist love is wanting others to be happy.

The Ancient Greek version of love
One thing that is really limited about the word “love” is that it is only one word. We have one four letter word to describe tens of different emotions and feelings. The Ancient Greeks were on to this and as such they had several different words for love so as to not dilute the meanings.

Philia is a term developed by Aristotle and is a love towards friends and family, co workers and other members of the community. This type of love is about a mutual dependence – we love each other because it benefits us both. Storge is the natural affection that a mother feels for her baby. Eros is the word used for romantic love and xenia is the greek idea of love between a host and his guest where the guest repays the host’s kindness with nothing but gratitude.

The theistic version of love
Christians, Muslims, Jews and Hindus also have the type of love that is between a person and God. This type of love is not romantic but is more about respect, gratitude and even fear.

Christians love God because they are grateful for the life he is given at the same time as being fearful of his wrath. The same is true in Islam where the words rafah and rahmah relate to God’s compassion and mercy respectively. As you can see the theistic idea of love is different to general ideas about love.

Love is many things
The point of looking at all of this is to show you that love is far more than just the romantic versions that we see on TV. It is about brotherhood, community, friendship, altruism, happiness and so on. When we look at love in these broader terms it is easy to see how it can be so important for the world today. And that is why we need to remember how to do it.

Originally posted on September 30, 2008 @ 6:48 am

What Samurai Philosophy Can Teach You About Modern Life Part 1

Inspiration, Mind, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, Spirit

“There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking.” – from the Hagakure, a famous Samurai manual.

I love Samurai. Ever since I was little I have been fascinated with their way of life and how they mixed the Zen Buddhist teachings with the ice-cold warrior mentality. Let’s face it – Samurai are extremely cool! In this series I want to introduce you to a few of the core Samurai principles and how you can apply them to your modern way of life.

Discipline is essential in all situations

[bctt tweet=”If you walk, just walk. If you sit, just sit. But whatever you do, don’t wobble. – Master Ummon” username=”thedailyminder”]

A Samurai will always act with poise and discipline. It would be a rare event to see a Samurai lose his cool and lash out with emotion and passion. Regardless of whether he was under enemy attack, training with his partner or spending time with his master the warrior would always be disciplined.

Nothing has changed since the time of the Samurai – discipline is still essential. Whether you are looking to climb the corporate ladder, improve your family life or develop more wisdom it is essential that you have discipline. When you lose that you lose your focus.

Always carry a backup weapon

[bctt tweet=”You win battles by knowing the enemy’s timing, and using a timing which the enemy does not expect. – Miyamoto Musashi” username=”thedailyminder”]

The Samurai’s main weapon was the Katana (long sword). This weapon was so important to the Samurai that they would often give it a name and talk to it like a living creature. The Katana was known as the soul of the Samurai. However, when the had to check their Katana at the door they carried their smaller Wakizashi by their side. This smaller blade never left the Samurai’s grip, not even when he slept. Sometimes when the warrior lost his primary weapon in a fight he would call upon his Wakizashi to finish the job. As such he was never without a weapon.

This is an extremely important lesson for modern life. I am not saying that everyone should carry around two whopping great big swords in their daily activities. That would be madness! What I am saying is that it is important to have a backup plan for that rainy day that is sure to happen. Diversifying your investments is a good idea in case your main revenue stream dries up. Make sure you are never left without a weapon.

Honor is of utmost importance

[bctt tweet=”One should not be envious of someone who has prospered by unjust deeds. Nor should he disdain someone who has fallen while adhering to the path of righteousness. – Imagawa Sadayo” username=”thedailyminder”]

For a Samurai there is nothing more important than honor. They lived their lives in a very honorable way. Many scholars will argue, however, that the Samurai’s honor was somewhat perverted and often mistaken for an inflated sense of ego. For the most part though these warriors were a very honorable bunch.

This is very important in today’s modern world. So many people are trying to lie, steal and cheat. A Samurai would never do this for fear of losing their honor and shaming their family and master. I think this is an important personality trait that we need to see more of in business, commerce and 21st century life. We need more people who see honor and ethics as being more important than money and status.

Study and training are a lifetime commitment

[bctt tweet=”Study strategy over the years and achieve the spirit of the warrior. Today is victory over yourself of yesterday; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men. – Miyamoto Musashi” username=”thedailyminder”]

The Samurai were always studying, practicing and training. He would never let a day pass without spending several hours practicing his martial arts, studying the Sutras of Zen Buddhism and doing a zazen meditation. The Samurai understood that in order to be perfect (and they were perfectionists!) one needed to devote constant attention to studying and training in one’s art without ever giving up or losing enthusiasm.

This devotion to study and practice is something that is lacking in many people’s lives. We really want to achieve certain goals but we really don’t want to put in the study and effort that is going to get us there. Furthermore, once we attain certain goals (like a good job) we stop studying and just meander in our comfortable equanimity. The Samurai way is to keep studying and keep practicing and keep getting better. I would like to be like that.

Catch Part Two in our Samurai Lessons series.

photo thanks to: samurai gallery

Originally posted on September 22, 2008 @ 2:30 pm