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How to Support a Loved One Through Tough Times

Family, Inspiration, Life, Spirit


Creative Commons License photo credit: Blush Response

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

Every now and then life throws you a curve ball. Your best friend gets cancer, your wife loses her job or your daughter breaks up with her first high school love. In these trying times it is important to support your loved one’s and be a rock for them to lean on. But this can be harder than it sounds, especially when you are emotionally affected by the event as well.

In this post I want to show you a few ways to support a loved one through a tough time based on my own experiences. Hopefully it will give you a bit of inspiration for when tough times strike your loved ones.

Dealing with feelings of helplessness

One of the most difficult things about supporting a loved one through a tough time is how utterly helpless you feel. You might be the person’s mother, father, sister or brother – it doesn’t matter – when a loved one is suffering you feel helpless.

Imagine if your spouse was diagnosed with a serious illness tomorrow. This is the person who you have loved and supported for years and years. Someone with whom you have cried, laughed, fought and made love. Someone who has been there for you whenever you were down. And now they are sick. And there is nothing that you can do to change that.

It is a shit feeling.

But it is just a feeling. It is in your head. And it is natural. So let this be a warning to you. When tough times strike someone you love be ready for those feelings of helplessness because they will always arise. But don’t let them get you down. If you let them get you down you won’t be any help to anyone.

How to support a loved one through tough times


Creative Commons License photo credit: halcyonsnow

Now I would like to get into the bulk of this post and share with you some things I have learned over the years about how to support a loved one through tough times. I am by no means an expert on these matters but it seems like I have spent a considerable part of my life trying to support friends and family who were experiencing some hardship. I’ll try to pass on what I have learned.

Don’t judge
When someone is suffering because of a mistake they have made the last thing they want to hear is your judgments. It really doesn’t help the situation at all and, in fact, can make your loved one less likely to come to you for support.

Let’s look at an example. Let’s say your daughter is in high school and she has just fallen in love with the football quarterback. You think he is a bit of a “player” and you know your daughter is going to end up heart broken. After a few months he cheats on her and she comes home in tears, her heart is broken and life cannot go on. If you decide to say “I told you so” she will never come to you again because she is afraid of being judged. The pain she is going through is lesson, she doesn’t need another one from you. [Read more…] about How to Support a Loved One Through Tough Times

Originally posted on November 6, 2008 @ 7:12 am

How to Deal With Problem Family Members Without Losing Your Mind

Family, Life


Creative Commons License photo credit: ju-leo

“You cannot change someone’s point of view using logic if they did not arrive at that point of view using logic.” – Unknown

Everyone has a problem family member. For some it is the strange uncle you don’t leave alone with the children. For others is is a well-intentioned but desperately overbearing mother-in-law. And although the way in which they are a problem may vary, one thing we all share in common is that we struggle to deal with them in a healthy and productive way. In this post I am going to show you a few things I have learned over the years about dealing with problem family members without losing your mind.

Wear the amour of patience
If you don’t have a lot of patience the process of working with and sorting out a problem family member is going to be tough. If you don’t have patience you are going to want to pack up and run away and never see them again. And for a while that might seem like a good idea. Maybe it is. But new problem family members are always going to pop up. So you need to wear the armor of patience, eventually.

Patience is considered the king of all virtues. The reason for this is because it is the antidote and cure to anger which is considered the king of all vices. When it comes to problem family members it is so important to be patient because otherwise you end up dealing with situations by getting angry. And nothing good ever comes from anger.

Anger sows the seeds of discord in a relationship. If you respond in an angry way to a intrusive mother-in-law she will be more likely to return fire with anger. And it escalates. Soon everyone is hot under the collar and family gatherings are completely intolerable because everyone is so tense and nervous.

When you deal with family members using anger you damage your ability to meaningfully communicate. It is quite simple. When you approach someone with what you feel is a genuine issue and they respond in anger you lose trust in that person. The same goes with family. If you respond to their behavior or opinions with anger they will be less likely to meaningfully communicate with you. And then the doors of problem solving are closed for good. Make sure you always respond with patience.

Listen. Actually listen
Have you ever taken the time to actually listen to someone? Ever seen how much more they tell you and how honest they can be when they think that you are really trying to understand? This is an important point to realize if you want to deal with a problem family member.

A lot of the time when we “listen” to people we just wait for our turn to talk. Our mind is not focused on what they are saying but rather it is wandering off thinking about all the ways we can retaliate or it is internally gossiping about how stupid this person is. But it we sat there and actually listened to the person the scenario might become more workable.

The next time your problem family member is trying to express something make sure you listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Actually listen. Hear what they are saying and try to ascertain the meaning behind their words. If you truly understand their position you might be able to reach some agreement.

Separate the person from their behavior
When I was going through college I worked in a child care center. In this center I had to deal with the worst of spoiled children and their ignorant parents. At least once a week there would be a confrontation where a parent accused the center of doing something horrid to their brat of a child. It was during these times I learned to separate the person from the person’s behavior.

Let me explain this a little bit. There is a person and then there is the person’s behavior. If you want to get through to someone you need to separate the person from their behavior. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say your brother-in-law is being a jerk. Instead of saying, “man you are being a jerk” why not say, “your behavior is really offensive”. A subtle change but it works.

When your separate the person from their behavior it gives them a chance to detach themselves from it. If, on the other hand, you just attack the person they will get all defensive and attack you back. Remembering to do this in the heat of the moment can be hard, but it is well worth it if you can.

Keep the volume of your voice low
If you look at any good debater you will see that they stay calm and collected and they keep the volume of their voice low. This is not an accident. It is a critical element of winning an argument.

If you raise your voice the person you are yelling at will also raise their voice. Then in order to be heard you raise your voice a little more. Then they do the same. Before you know it an otherwise adult conversation has turned in to a shouting match where everyone is angry and pissed off.

If, however, you keep your the volume of your voice low it forces the other person to listen. It draws them in somewhat. But it also keeps you calm and keeping calm allows you to think straight. When you shout your adrenalin levels get all screwed up and you lose your ability to think rationally and form logical arguments. Keep your voice low at all times and project control.

Don’t think about it too much
When you have an argument with family it hurts. It always seems to cut deeper than any other argument. For this reason we tend to think about it a lot after the argument has finished. This is a bad idea.

Going over things in your head over and over never solves problems. If you have just had a serious argument with your mother you will no doubt be upset and searching for answers. But I can assure you that these answers won’t come from from thinking through the argument again and again in your head. This gets you no where.

Next time you are worried about a problem family member or have just had an argument with them just let it go. Once they have left just relax with a cup of tea and maybe some television and just let it go. Don’t play the scenario out in your head. Don’t try to think of a solution. Just let it go. Most of the time you will find that the issue resolves itself in time and this time you won’t have wasted a lot of energy worrying about it.

Remember, they are family
Finally I think it is important to remember that this problem family member is still a part of your family. It is not some stranger on the street trying to steal your wallet. It is not your self-loving boss at work who thinks ruining your day is hilarious. It is your family. Give them the time, patience and respect that they deserve.


Does anyone here have a problem family member?

Originally posted on October 25, 2008 @ 12:48 am

Self-Affirmations: How to Get Your Kids on Board

Family, Life, Mind

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your kids can start the practice of positive self-affirmation? 

Children these days are pretty smart and are taught to think more critically – to question everything. So while we know that positive affirmations really work, it might take a little more than the “because I say so” tack to get them to try embracing the practice of self-affirmation. 

So how can you get your kids on board?

Practice positive self-affirmations regularly

Woman in front of a mirror, smiling at herself.
Positive self-talk leads to a happier life.

Living by example is always the way to go if you want your kids to learn anything. If you want your kids to even consider trying positive self-affirmations, let alone believe that it works, you need to do it first so that they can see the result for themselves. You don’t need to talk loudly to yourself and utter your affirmations every time they walk by, which would only serve to annoy anyone, but manifesting being a good guide to your kids through self-affirmation will lead you to success in this area as well.

Once you are confident that self-affirmations work because you have your own experience to prove it, you can take the next step by introducing the concept to your kids.

Open the floor for conversation

Instead of just telling your kids that you think that positive affirmations will help them and that you are commanding them to practice self-affirmation daily henceforth, present the idea to them and be ready to have a conversation about it. 

Presenting the idea to kids can take many forms, depending on the age of your kids, their interests, your family lifestyle, and dynamics.

Mother and daughter lying face down on a bed, facing each other. The mother seems to be speaking while the daughter is smiling and listening.
Talk to your child and listen to them in turn.

Some things you can do include:

  • snuggling up with your child and showing them a short self-affirmation video that is age appropriate or addresses an issue they are experiencing right now, 
  • sitting them down and bringing up the topic to them outright, explaining what it is and then ASKING if they’d be willing to try it,
  • talking about self-affirmation and how it has helped you or how you have seen it help others over dinner without asking them to join you in practice, and
  • waiting for a time when they open up to you about an issue they are having and offering up self-affirmation as a tool that can help them in the long run.

Be very careful with the last one though, because really listening to your child when they need you is more important than using it as an opportunity to get them to do self-affirmation. Wait until they are done unburdening themselves and ONLY if they ask you for help or advice and self-affirmation is truly relevant to the situation. 

Whatever tack you take, always remember that it needs to be a CONVERSATION, which means that it is a two-way street. Invite them to ask questions or air their concerns. Listen to them. Validate their feelings about affirmations, whether positive or negative. Be ready to answer their questions honestly. And most important, accept whatever their decision is at the moment. If they are not ready to take on the practice of positive self-affirmations, do not push them. Instead, be the one to AFFIRM THEM. Your affirmation as a parent is just as important in their journey.

Show them the science.

One question your kids may ask is how you know positive self-affirmation works. And while being able to share your experience and how it has helped you is important, telling the kids that it is backed by science can seal the deal. 

Did you know that there are many scientific studies backing the effectiveness of positive affirmations in improving various aspects of our lives, such as relationships, health, and education? 

In fact, a study by Cohen and Sherman not only supports the efficacy of self-affirmations, but also reveals that the benefits can last for months and even years. Even more cool perhaps, is that neuroscientists have even mapped out key pathways in our neural processes that are associated with successful self-affirmation.

Your kids may love you, but just like they would trust their teacher over their parent when it comes to solving math problems, they know that scientists are the authority when it comes to facts. You don’t need to read scientific journals and articles to your kids, but just telling them that positive self-affirmations are backed by science, and you knowing where to point if they ask for proof, is more than enough. 

If your kids are older, it would be better if you encourage them to do their own research. This will not only solidify their belief that self-affirmation truly does work but will also teach them valuable research skills and show them that you trust them to figure things out by themselves.

Help them get started

If your child seems open to the idea of practicing positive self-affirmations, then equip them to help ensure that they stick to the practice. You can start by looking up positive affirmation videos that are appropriate for your child’s needs. You can find everything from this 1-minute morning affirmation that is suitable for younger kids to affirmations for success in exams geared towards students. If you and your child prefer not to use gadgets for the practice, you can help them pick out from this list of positive affirmations for kids, write them down and display it in a convenient place for their daily affirmations recitation.

Young child in front of a desk holding pencil, looking down while reading or studying.
Positive self-affirmations can help your child better succeed in their studies.

Last, show them how to do it. Do a practice session or two with them if they are comfortable with it. With younger kids, they might even want or need you to do their daily sessions with them, which can turn into a powerful bonding experience.

Christmas Yoga Poses For Kids

Body, Family, Life, Yoga

As the holidays roll in, consider including yoga as part of your roster of holiday family activities. The stress can be a lot, not only for the adults but also for the kids. It is even more of a concern as we enter the third (almost) year of the pandemic.

These Christmas yoga poses for kids make a fun routine that you and your children can do together, and help deal with the stress. Have fun!

[Read more…] about Christmas Yoga Poses For Kids