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Daily Steps To Mindful Living

Family

About a Man

... as time goes by
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“All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth.” – Percy Bysshe Shelley

It’s the 1940s and our man, now just a small boy, is growing up in a middle class family with a bunch of brothers and sisters. Mom stays at home while dad goes to work. He brings home a very good income. Our man, still a small boy, is smart, athletic and showing a lot of potential. Everything is going swimmingly. As he grows up he plays sports, studies hard and looks after his siblings. Around age 14 his mother gets sick. A year later she is dead. Everything begins to fall to pieces.

A new mother
Within the year his father had remarried and this woman brings along two children of her own. She hated our man (now 15) and his brothers and sisters. She wants their father all to themselves. She does whatever she can to make their lives miserable; manipulated them against each other and against their dad. The father is too busy to notice that anything was wrong, he is absorbed in his own misery, too focused on diluting the grief with work. The things she did to our man would, these days, be classified as physical and emotional abuse.

At age 16 our man sits his final school exams having been skipped ahead a year due to his exceptional mind. He heads home happy in the knowledge that he will get a place at University in any course that he wants. He has done well. He can’t wait to see how proud his father will be. His wished his mother was there to see. As he walks up the darkened street towards home, bathed in moon and street light, he can see two box-like figures on his porch. What are they? As he gets closer he realizes they are suitcases. On top of the first one is a note from his step mother, “I have packed your things. Time to move out. Don’t bother coming inside“.

Un-Coping
This stage of his life is called un-coping. In reality, it probably extends well beyond the initial grief and lasts until the day he dies. He never really gets over the loss of his mother. He wasn’t taught how. There were no goodbyes, no post-death counseling sessions and very little support from his father. It was the 1950s and 60s and no-one talked about emotions, feelings or how to deal with a loss. You just got on with it.

So that’s what he did. He got on with it. He got on with drinking alcohol and gambling. He got on with meeting lots of women. But none of them dulled the pain forever and none of the girls replaced his mother. They didn’t even come close. Our man, now in his twenties, fell into line and joined the family business despite having dreams and aspirations and the ability to do other things. He did what his father told him to do, even when it wasn’t in his best interests. He never really learned how to be his own man. He was still un-coping with his tumultuous childhood. Perhaps by joining the family business he would win the attention of his dad.

Replicating the disaster
This stage of his life is called replicating the disaster. We might call it “having a family”. Having met a beautiful woman he decides to propose as soon as he can. She accepts the proposal, seduced and infatuated with his charm, wit and tendency towards popularity and success. Completely unaware that his drinking and gambling were becoming an issue, they have two children, one after the other and settle down in the suburbs.

Barely a week goes by where our man doesn’t fight with his wife. Occasionally they fight in front of the children. If they manage to conceal the arguments, the kids would notice the upset mother and the absence of the father. He was at the pub putting money into machines or on horses. Everyone knows it. Soon work colleagues and family friends know it. Our man has developed a reputation around town as a drunk, a gambler and a womanizer. His wife is, of course, the last to find out.

Quite unconsciously our man pushes his loved ones away. He would ignore them when he had free time and make himself busy when he could. His arrival home from work would be characterized by the shutting of doors, children heading to their rooms to bury themselves in books and video games, finding any way to escape his foul breath and poisonous attitudes towards immigrants on the news, stories of his work mates and clients and, above all, women. At an early age his children learned that he was no role model. It was a lesson they never un-learned.

Alone again
This stage of his life is called alone again. If we are really honest, however, we might call it “still alone” because it was not like he ever really connected. But, the wife and family get tired of the gambling and the drinking and they pack up and leave. Our man, now in his 50s, moves back in with his father as the gambling had made renting a place too financially difficult, despite a $100k a year income.

Occasionally his kids stop by to see him, mostly to assuage their own guilt. These visits got less frequent however as the constant complaining and blaming of others grows too suffocating. Our man has, for all of his life, blamed others for his faults. Every weekend at the races was the fault of an inattentive wife. Every night at the pub was the fault of a slow-to-pay client. Every mistake was that of someone else.

How does it end?
And though our story ends, our man lives on. Alone. He has girlfriends, quite a few, actually. But they don’t stick around. Today’s women are too intelligent and independent for that. His children still visit him, three or four times a year. Normally they see a movie so they don’t have to talk to him. The darkness of the cinema works well for our man too, he doesn’t have to look at how grown up his children are, how much he has missed out on.

I can’t help but wonder how it will end. Will our man ever beat his demons? Is he ever going to be able to look in the mirror and recognize his faults? How long can a person hold a grudge against their mother and father? How long can he blame them? Most of all I wonder how our man can continue to engage in the very activities and habits that have caused him ruin. A life of great potential, blamed away, day by day.

That is my story, about a man.

Healthy Divorce: Tips and Help for Getting Divorced and Reclaiming Your Happiness


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Moving house, losing a loved one, getting fired and getting divorced. These are the most stressful times in a person’s life. And other than the death of a loved one, divorce is by far the worst. It tears apart lives, damages relationships and affects everyone in the family. But as horrible as divorce is there are some things you can do to make the process a little bit healthier. In this post I am going to give you some tips on how to get divorced and how to reclaim your happiness after the event.

Just to be clear, this post will be broken in to two main sections:

  • How to have a healthy divorce; and
  • How to reclaim your happiness after the divorce.

Why is divorce so damn hard?

If you talk to someone who has been divorced they will tell you that it is the worst thing you can go through. It is especially hard if you do not want to get divorced and it is your partner that is initiating the process. But why does this hurt so much?

I believe that the reason divorce is so hard is because of habit. After many years of loving and caring about a person you finally have to say goodbye. And when you say goodbye to the person you also have to say goodbye to the little habits that every marriage has. A kiss on the cheek before work, a cuddle in the middle of the night, a glass of wine while watching TV before bed. There are hundreds of little things that the two of you do everyday that you are not going to do any more. And that is hard to accept.

Breaking these habits hurts so much because we are attached to them. We are attached to our way of life and we don’t like change. When it comes to our partner every single one of us has a lot of attachment.

But divorce is made harder by many things. If you have children then it is very hard. You don’t want the children to get hurt but at the same time you don’t want to lose custody of them. And divorce is made even harder if it is happening because your partner cheated. When this is the case it seems that the pervading emotion is anger, not sadness.

How to have a healthy divorce


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So you have made the decision to try to have a healthier divorce. You have made the decision to try and make the process less stressful, less harmful and more productive. Good for you! Here are some tips that you can try to apply to have a healthier divorce.

1. Speak honestly
It is extremely important in a divorce to say what you feel. Speak the truth. Many people hold back their true feelings because they think there is some small chance that the marriage flame might rekindle and you will get back together and as such you don’t want to say anything confrontational. This attitude does not help anyone and often you will come out of the divorce worse off than your partner. Make sure you speak honestly about how you are feeling and about how you want the divorce to run. Only with honesty will the right outcome emerge.

2. Don’t be angry – be clear
If you are going through a messy divorce then chances are you are angry. You are angry that years of marriage and love has come to this and you want revenge. Fair enough. But you need to stop for a second and consider whether anger is really the best option. Will anger get you what you want? Or, will your anger just make your partner angry and create a situation ten times worse than it was before?

I think it is important to set anger aside during the divorce and just be clear. Be clear about your assets and your legal requirements. Be clear about what the kids need during the process. And be clear about what you need in the process. Anger will not make things any easier. If you need to be angry then save it for when the divorce is over and you start grieving. But during the divorce you need to be clear, not angry.

3. Get some good support
During this time you are going to need support. Don’t try to do it alone. You need to be able to open up to someone about what you are feeling. If you don’t have a close friend you can turn to then go and see a counselor at least once a week to get some advice.

The reason this is so important is because it allows you to get things off your chest that might otherwise manifest as anger and hatred and cause you to blow up in your partners face. And every time you do that to your partner they are going to do the same thing to you. Make sure you get some good divorce. And don’t seek support from your children. They already have enough going on.

4. Be an adult
When I watched my parents getting divorced I would often listen to my mom or my dad having a whinge about how hard done by they were and think to myself, “Are your serious? What are you like 12 years old? Grow up!” [Read more…] about Healthy Divorce: Tips and Help for Getting Divorced and Reclaiming Your Happiness

How to Support a Loved One Through Tough Times


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“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

Every now and then life throws you a curve ball. Your best friend gets cancer, your wife loses her job or your daughter breaks up with her first high school love. In these trying times it is important to support your loved one’s and be a rock for them to lean on. But this can be harder than it sounds, especially when you are emotionally affected by the event as well.

In this post I want to show you a few ways to support a loved one through a tough time based on my own experiences. Hopefully it will give you a bit of inspiration for when tough times strike your loved ones.

Dealing with feelings of helplessness

One of the most difficult things about supporting a loved one through a tough time is how utterly helpless you feel. You might be the person’s mother, father, sister or brother – it doesn’t matter – when a loved one is suffering you feel helpless.

Imagine if your spouse was diagnosed with a serious illness tomorrow. This is the person who you have loved and supported for years and years. Someone with whom you have cried, laughed, fought and made love. Someone who has been there for you whenever you were down. And now they are sick. And there is nothing that you can do to change that.

It is a shit feeling.

But it is just a feeling. It is in your head. And it is natural. So let this be a warning to you. When tough times strike someone you love be ready for those feelings of helplessness because they will always arise. But don’t let them get you down. If you let them get you down you won’t be any help to anyone.

How to support a loved one through tough times


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Now I would like to get into the bulk of this post and share with you some things I have learned over the years about how to support a loved one through tough times. I am by no means an expert on these matters but it seems like I have spent a considerable part of my life trying to support friends and family who were experiencing some hardship. I’ll try to pass on what I have learned.

Don’t judge
When someone is suffering because of a mistake they have made the last thing they want to hear is your judgments. It really doesn’t help the situation at all and, in fact, can make your loved one less likely to come to you for support.

Let’s look at an example. Let’s say your daughter is in high school and she has just fallen in love with the football quarterback. You think he is a bit of a “player” and you know your daughter is going to end up heart broken. After a few months he cheats on her and she comes home in tears, her heart is broken and life cannot go on. If you decide to say “I told you so” she will never come to you again because she is afraid of being judged. The pain she is going through is lesson, she doesn’t need another one from you. [Read more…] about How to Support a Loved One Through Tough Times

How to Deal With Problem Family Members Without Losing Your Mind


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“You cannot change someone’s point of view using logic if they did not arrive at that point of view using logic.” – Unknown

Everyone has a problem family member. For some it is the strange uncle you don’t leave alone with the children. For others is is a well-intentioned but desperately overbearing mother-in-law. And although the way in which they are a problem may vary, one thing we all share in common is that we struggle to deal with them in a healthy and productive way. In this post I am going to show you a few things I have learned over the years about dealing with problem family members without losing your mind.

Wear the amour of patience
If you don’t have a lot of patience the process of working with and sorting out a problem family member is going to be tough. If you don’t have patience you are going to want to pack up and run away and never see them again. And for a while that might seem like a good idea. Maybe it is. But new problem family members are always going to pop up. So you need to wear the armor of patience, eventually.

Patience is considered the king of all virtues. The reason for this is because it is the antidote and cure to anger which is considered the king of all vices. When it comes to problem family members it is so important to be patient because otherwise you end up dealing with situations by getting angry. And nothing good ever comes from anger.

Anger sows the seeds of discord in a relationship. If you respond in an angry way to a intrusive mother-in-law she will be more likely to return fire with anger. And it escalates. Soon everyone is hot under the collar and family gatherings are completely intolerable because everyone is so tense and nervous.

When you deal with family members using anger you damage your ability to meaningfully communicate. It is quite simple. When you approach someone with what you feel is a genuine issue and they respond in anger you lose trust in that person. The same goes with family. If you respond to their behavior or opinions with anger they will be less likely to meaningfully communicate with you. And then the doors of problem solving are closed for good. Make sure you always respond with patience.

Listen. Actually listen
Have you ever taken the time to actually listen to someone? Ever seen how much more they tell you and how honest they can be when they think that you are really trying to understand? This is an important point to realize if you want to deal with a problem family member.

A lot of the time when we “listen” to people we just wait for our turn to talk. Our mind is not focused on what they are saying but rather it is wandering off thinking about all the ways we can retaliate or it is internally gossiping about how stupid this person is. But it we sat there and actually listened to the person the scenario might become more workable.

The next time your problem family member is trying to express something make sure you listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Actually listen. Hear what they are saying and try to ascertain the meaning behind their words. If you truly understand their position you might be able to reach some agreement.

Separate the person from their behavior
When I was going through college I worked in a child care center. In this center I had to deal with the worst of spoiled children and their ignorant parents. At least once a week there would be a confrontation where a parent accused the center of doing something horrid to their brat of a child. It was during these times I learned to separate the person from the person’s behavior.

Let me explain this a little bit. There is a person and then there is the person’s behavior. If you want to get through to someone you need to separate the person from their behavior. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say your brother-in-law is being a jerk. Instead of saying, “man you are being a jerk” why not say, “your behavior is really offensive”. A subtle change but it works.

When your separate the person from their behavior it gives them a chance to detach themselves from it. If, on the other hand, you just attack the person they will get all defensive and attack you back. Remembering to do this in the heat of the moment can be hard, but it is well worth it if you can.

Keep the volume of your voice low
If you look at any good debater you will see that they stay calm and collected and they keep the volume of their voice low. This is not an accident. It is a critical element of winning an argument.

If you raise your voice the person you are yelling at will also raise their voice. Then in order to be heard you raise your voice a little more. Then they do the same. Before you know it an otherwise adult conversation has turned in to a shouting match where everyone is angry and pissed off.

If, however, you keep your the volume of your voice low it forces the other person to listen. It draws them in somewhat. But it also keeps you calm and keeping calm allows you to think straight. When you shout your adrenalin levels get all screwed up and you lose your ability to think rationally and form logical arguments. Keep your voice low at all times and project control.

Don’t think about it too much
When you have an argument with family it hurts. It always seems to cut deeper than any other argument. For this reason we tend to think about it a lot after the argument has finished. This is a bad idea.

Going over things in your head over and over never solves problems. If you have just had a serious argument with your mother you will no doubt be upset and searching for answers. But I can assure you that these answers won’t come from from thinking through the argument again and again in your head. This gets you no where.

Next time you are worried about a problem family member or have just had an argument with them just let it go. Once they have left just relax with a cup of tea and maybe some television and just let it go. Don’t play the scenario out in your head. Don’t try to think of a solution. Just let it go. Most of the time you will find that the issue resolves itself in time and this time you won’t have wasted a lot of energy worrying about it.

Remember, they are family
Finally I think it is important to remember that this problem family member is still a part of your family. It is not some stranger on the street trying to steal your wallet. It is not your self-loving boss at work who thinks ruining your day is hilarious. It is your family. Give them the time, patience and respect that they deserve.


Does anyone here have a problem family member?