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Ethical Dilemma #7 – Would You Forgive/Help a Murderer?

Life


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The Ethical Dilemma discussions that we have here at The Daily Mind are fast becoming my favorite time of the month. I love sitting back and watching your educated but passionate comments roll in. Sometimes I get a laugh out of them, sometimes I walk away really quite upset. But I always learn something.

Today I want to look at two topics that have always been interesting to me; forgiveness and loyalty. I want you to read the situation (as always) and leave the most honest comment you can. Now, when I say honest I mean as “real” as possible. Try not to answer with what you would theoretically hope you’d do, but rather what you actually think you would do. Here it is:

You and your father are out for dinner one summer evening. Part way through the meal he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. He is gone for a long time. A very long time. After a while you get worried and head to the bathroom to investigate. The door is locked. You knock and call out to him and he opens it and pulls you in whilst making sure no one is looking. There is a man lying dead on the floor. You ask what happened and you father explains that he killed the man after he had tried to steal his wallet. He orders you not to tell anyone. The two of you walk out and leave the restaurant.

What do you do? Do you call the police? Do you forgive your father and move on? What would you do in this situation? I am particularly interested in how your loyalties pan out and whether that affects your ability to forgive/dob him in. Does it make a difference that he is your father?

NOTE – All of these situations are hypothetical. My father has never killed anyone to my knowledge.

Leave a comment.

Originally posted on December 16, 2009 @ 10:28 pm

Sound Sleep: How to Get to Sleep Easier

Body, Home

Sleepy Time
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You spend close to 50% of your life in sleep. So why is it that we often fail to do it properly? We spend years going to university, school and work to perfect our waking selves, but we spend almost zero time learning how to sleep well. Fascinating. And perhaps a little stupid. And it seems as though the most problematic issue relating to sleep is that of getting to sleep. Many of us struggle with that seemingly simple task.

In this post I am going to give you some tips on how to get to sleep easier.

Why getting to sleep is important

Over the past few years here at The Daily Mind we have had some very popular posts on the topic of sleep. This one on waking up fresh has had more feedback than any other post. It was popular because many people struggle to wake up in the morning after a long night of deep slumber.

But in actual fact, the way you get to sleep can have a big impact on how well you sleep during the night and how easily you can get out of bed in the morning. A solid routine at bedtime can completely alter the way you sleep. Furthermore, if you get to sleep quickly and sleep solidly throughout the night you will find you feel much better during the day. For this reason the act of getting to sleep becomes very important.

NOTE – This post is about getting to sleep easily, not about staying asleep or waking up early. If you want advice on those latter two issues see the links above.

How to get to sleep easier


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At first I thought about creating a “guide” to getting to sleep but changed my mind because I realized that people might not be prepared to completely change their sleeping habits. Instead I am going to give you a series of tips that you can implement all at once or one at a time as you feel comfortable. As always, please leave a comment if you have anything to add.

1. Realize that “eight hours of sleep” is a harmful rumor

The first and most important thing that you need to do is realize that the idea of getting eight hours of sleep per night is a harmful rumor. You don’t necessarily need eight hours sleep. Everyone is different. Thinking that you need a solid eight hours is just a cause for anxiety and concern. Forget it.

For example, I need around six and a half hours of sleep per night. If I have over seven hours I struggle to stay in bed, get very agitated and need to get up. Mrs. Daily Minder, on the other hand, cannot do without at least ten. If she gets less than nine hours she just cannot function. We are completely different.

When you go to bed at night remind yourself that you don’t necessarily need eight hours of sleep. It will vary depending on how tired you are and how busy you have been. Just relax thinking that whatever sleep you get is going to be enough.

2. Understand that “only deep sleep counts” is rubbish

I recently heard a sleep expert from Germany talking about how the idea that “only deep sleep counts” needs to be completely wiped from your mind. It is rubbish. You do not need deep sleep to refresh and process the day. And you certainly don’t need a super deep sleep to refresh.

The evidence for this is napping. Many countries have a siesta period where the shops close for an hour and everyone has a nap. This is a wonderful thing because it charges their batteries and allows them to sleep less the next night. They simply don’t need as much and can get up early to work or go to school.

Deep sleep is not necessary all the time. Sure it is nice. Sure it is beneficial. But don’t get caught up on it. If you wake up during the night to go to the toilet or yell at some noisy cats don’t get back into bed in a huff and force yourself to sleep. Just relax. Whatever you can get is good.

3. Stop the train of thoughts at dinner time

Dinner, for me, is the time when I actively decide to cut the train of thoughts about the day and switch off for the night. Whatever worries I have about work or the next day I let go of and think “I’ll worry about it later”. Dinner time becomes my cue to switch off for the day.

A lot of people blame their busy mind when they talk about not getting to sleep easily. I used to be like that; laying there unable to turn off the constant stream of mental chatter. I would fight it and force it until I become so worked up there was just no way I was getting any sleep. Until I decided to make a regular switch off time.

Make a habit of joining an event in your evening with “switching off”. It might be dinner or desert or an evening shower. Try to make it about an hour before your bedtime. Every night for the rest of your life I want you to actively say “I’ll worry about it tomorrow” when it gets to that time of the day. Let the thoughts go.

4. Don’t be your own sleep enemy

Relating to the last point, don’t become your own sleep enemy. If you have been unsuccessful in turning the thoughts off for the night it is important to just chill out and not work yourself into a state. I used to toss and groan and kick the covers when I couldn’t sleep – do you think that was helping things? Not at all.


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If you can’t switch off and your mind is too active the worst thing you can do is get worked up. Yes you have to go to work tomorrow. Yes you need your sleep. No thinking about that is not going to help. Just relax.

If you find yourself in bed with the thoughts running you can try a simple breathing meditation. This is where you shift your focus from your thoughts to the feeling of the breath entering and leaving your nose. It is very effective and if it doesn’t cut the train of thoughts, it will at least relax your body.

5. Avoid coffee, wine and chocolate at least two hours before bed

What! Coffee, wine and chocolate? Are you serious? Yes. Very. These three things are said to be the worst thing you can have before bed because they are stomach irritants which cause sleep harming gases to be released. Coffee will also stimulate your mind and body and making it harder to slow down.

How annoying that these three substances are the very thing our culture has taught us to eat and drink in the evening! It will take some time to break these habits but it is very important. No coffee after dinner. No chocolate for desert. And no wine two hours before bed. Can you do it?

Try it for a week and see if you find it easier to get to sleep. If it doesn’t make a difference then you can go back. I’m betting, however, it makes all the difference in the world.

6. Make the bedroom totally black

how to get to sleep

Our eyes are very sensitive, and like the point above, the brain starts to associate light with day time. And what do we do at daytime? We don’t sleep. We wake. A crucial part of getting to sleep easily is making sure the room is pitch black.

This might seem simple but light comes from lots of places. It might be a hallway light you leave on for the kids, or something as simple as the bright moon shining through some thin curtains. Either way, you need to find a means of blocking it out. Heavy blinds, a doorstop or an eye mask. Block out that light. Your brain associates darkness with sleeping. So make it as dark as possible.

7. Go to bed at the same time every single night

If you struggle to get to sleep you need to make some big changes. One of those big changes is the bedtime – it needs to be at the same time every night until you are back into your rhythm.

As we have seen in some of the points above, the body and the brain learns from habit. We are habit forming creatures. If you can go to bed at the same time each night you are basically setting yourself up for success because your brain is going to soon associate that time of day with sleep and rest.

If you can’t go to bed at the same time each night you should at least try to wake up at the same time each morning. This will help you find a natural rhythm with your sleep so hopefully you are tired enough at night to just drift off.

Conclusion

Getting to sleep easily is, like most things, a matter of training. If you can train your body and mind to switch off you will not struggle at all. The tips above will help with this. Above all else, relax when you go to sleep. Don’t stress about not being able to sleep. And if all of this fails to work, go see your doctor. They will be able to help.

Is there anything in particular that helps you get to sleep at night? Do you have a routine? Leave a comment and let us know.

Originally posted on December 9, 2009 @ 1:06 am

Say What You Need to Say. Here.

Life

Communicate
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“Take all of your wasted honor, Every little past frustration, Take all of your so called problems, Better put em in quotations. Say what you need to say.” – John Mayer, Say.

Imagine you had something to say to someone close to you but they died before you mustered up the courage. Imagine you needed to talk to your lover about something but were too afraid and so lived your life in silence. Today I had the idea that we would tell them here. Call it a practice round but I want everyone who has something to say to someone to leave a comment here. Say what you need to say.

Why should I?

Quite often it is music that plants a seed in my head. And quite often that music comes from John Mayer. I recently found myself listening to “Say” with tears in my eyes. The tears weren’t because I had missed an opportunity to say something to someone I loved, but because I realized how painful that situation must be. And I thought about all the people out there who are living with that desperation. Listen to the song.

If you do not have the courage to go and talk to that person I want you to leave a comment here as if you were telling them in person. Imagine that this post is a place where you can come, offload your problem, and begin the process of healing or of developing the courage to tell them in person. If you know someone who should talk to a loved one, send them this link and encourage them to leave a comment.

What should I say?

Whatever is on your mind, say it. It could be something you need to tell your wife or husband. It might be as simple as “I love you”. Or you might need to tell your father that he was a lousy parent and that you are angry at him. Or perhaps you need to tell him how amazing he was. Maybe you need to yell at your Government because you feel like you aren’t being heard. Or perhaps you need to say something to yourself.

Say what you need to say.

Originally posted on November 26, 2009 @ 10:40 pm

The Lifetime Guide to Staying Emotionally Healthy

Mental Health, Mind

“A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them.” – Vernon Howard

Stress, depression, panic attacks and anxiety. The modern world is overflowing with emotional problems of all different kinds. And chances are you or someone you know has suffered from some form of emotionally unhealthy state. So how can we avoid these problems? Are there things we can do to prevent them coming about?

In this post I am going to present the lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy. I hope it helps someone out there.

What is emotional health?

Before I present any ideas about emotional health I need to define it. Without a solid idea we really won’t know what were talking about and we will get lost.

Emotional health is not a single state of mind like “pleasure” or “joy” but an ongoing process. Emotional health is a conversation, a journey and above all it is work. It will change and you will go up and down. Even the most emotionally healthy person will have bad days. But those bad days are all part of the process, and they’re aware of it.

Emotional health is all about gathering new tools and methods to constantly better your mind. It is flux.

To be emotionally healthy you need to spend a lot of time being open and learning. As soon as you close your mind to new ideas or information you cut yourself off from the possibility of being healthy. This post could perhaps serve as a starting point. It is by no means the end point. Read, research, study and practice. And never give up, because emotional health is an ongoing process.

Why is emotional health so important?

Mediating [Struggle For Pleasure]
Creative Commons License photo credit: RSNY

I have always found it extremely interesting that today’s society will place a massive emphasis on physical well being but almost nothing is done about the mental state. Unless you are suffering from serious depression or some other mental illness, you don’t hear anything about “working on your mind” or “developing emotional health”. And this is quite troubling.

Imagine how happy we could be if we spent as much time working with our emotions as we did running on the treadmill or cooking a healthy dinner. Imagine how different the world would be if there was less anger and more compassion. I think it would be a very different place.

What I am going to show you in this post, however, is that you don’t need to necessarily sit on a cushion or take separate time out to become emotionally healthy. In fact, going to the gym and cooking a nice meal is a big part of emotional health. Stick around and see if you learn something new and, as always, leave a comment if I have forgotten anything.

The lifetime guide to staying emotionally healthy

Norbulinka, the Dalai Lama's Summer Palace
Creative Commons License photo credit: fairlybuoyant

Now for the main bulk of the post. Here I am going to present some ideas that you can use work with your emotions in order to become more emotionally healthy. Remember, this is a long term project that you will have to stick at for the rest of your life. You will, however, start to see results right away.

1. Understand you are in control of your emotions
The very first step you need to take on this journey is to realize that you are in control of your emotions. This fact is lost on the modern world; many of us become slaves to anger and depression and stress. But when you turn that around and start to understand that you are the boss of what goes on in your head, you are suddenly left with a very workable situation. Without this understanding, however, no progress can be made.

2. Become familiar with your mind through meditation
Once you have conviction that you are in control of your emotions, you need to become familiar with them through meditation. Now, meditation does not mean sitting on a cushion saying “OOMMM” over and over. Sure it can be that, but it is not only that. The way to meditate is to constantly bring your attention to your thoughts and just let your mind relax in that.

The Tibetan word for meditation is “gom” which means “to familiarize”. This gives us a great insight into what meditation is supposed to be. It is not about relaxing so much as it is about familiarizing ourselves with positive states of mind. Compassion, love, patience, silence. And the very interesting thing about meditation is that these states of mind arise naturally when you just start to look at your mind.

How does this work? Simple. According to Buddhism the nature of every being is compassionate. We are not inherently evil and we are not naturally sinners. Naturally we are compassionate but we have lost connection with that innate part of our being. But looking at the mind re-connects us with that state because we all of a sudden get in control of our minds. And when we get in control of our minds the first thing we feel is sadness for all those people out there who are still struggling. It is an intensely powerful moment in your life.

If you want to learn more about meditation you can check back on some of my other articles:

One of the best things you can do for yourself if you want to become happy and proficient in controlling your mind is learn from someone who has already done it. There are so many wonderful meditation teachers in our world, I encourage you to connect with one. And that leads us to our next point.

3. Connect with good people and avoid bad company
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about avoiding bad company which ruffled up some feathers. A got a few emails that day saying that I was a disloyal friend and that you should stick by your mates even if they are bad for you. Okay, fine. I agree. You should stick by your bad mates if you are able to do so without them being a negative influence on you. But when you see yourself in a downward spiral it is time to leave them alone.

Surrounding yourself with good company is one of the most important life lessons a person can learn. Once a dear friend of mine told me that you will become the average of your five closest friends so make sure you choose wisely. I did. I chose people who were happy, successful and who worked for the betterment of others. I very rarely spend time with people who are selfish, hateful and bigoted. The Buddha once said:

“Put a rose in a sack of fish and soon the rose starts to stink too.”

Now there is no problem visiting people with the motivation of helping them or cheering them up. That is a wonderful thing to do. But if you are best friends with a drug addict racist who starts to rub off on you then you are in for problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to surround yourself with people who are living a life you wish to emulate. Let them rub off on you.

4. Practice ethical behavior to avoid depression, anxiety and fear
Once you have become familiar with your mind and have made a commitment to stay emotionally healthy it is important to live an ethical life. Without a solid basis of ethical behavior there is no chance for long term happiness. So why are ethics so important? Let’s take a look.

Grande Dame
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The first thing you will notice about an unethical or mean person is that they have very few true friends. They may have followers or people around them who latch on out of fear, but they have no trusted confidants. And that is a very lonely place to be. In fact, it is a situation that will eventually drive you crazy.

It is also important to realize that negative acts come back to you. If you spend your life stealing or cheating on your girlfriends the chances are your reputation will come back to haunt you. And I am not just talking about other people being mad at you. Soon you will begin to feel guilty. Imagine living your whole life hurting others and to be in the last stages of your life and feel intense regret. It would be an emotion so crippling that you would struggle to cope. Life your life without regrets.

5. Read the masters and scholars of the past
Will Smith is a Hollywood star that many people admire for his staunch opposition to gangster rap that denigrates women and encourages violence and his lifetime pursuit of being a “nice guy”. A few years ago I saw a video of Will Smith speaking to thousands of kids at a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards ceremony. What he said really knocked my socks off.

The human race has an amazing history full of struggles and hardships. But out of those hardships have come some amazing thinkers. There have been men and women who, instead of picking up a sword or gun, have sat thinking. Their messages have been passed down the generations long after the wars were over. And now we are left with a gold mine of knowledge and wisdom. These people left a legacy that we should feel honored to be a part of and study. Like Will said, there are no new problems. If you want to be emotionally healthy you need to take a look at what the great adepts of the past have thought and said about being emotionally healthy.

Let me give you a little introduction to a few great minds that have affected my life. A starting point for you.

The Buddha was a revolutionary, possibly the first of his kind. He sat under a tree and developed theories that have served as the basis for most philosophical thinking. Start with the Buddha’s teachings and work your way forward through history. Study the European philosophers and the masters of meditation from India, China and Japan. Do this and you will be well on your way to emotional health.

6. Avoid man made food, eat naturally
For most of my youth I failed to recognize the link between food and depression. I, like most teenagers, ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of sugary sodas. And I felt crap, all the time. If you want long term emotional health you need to be very careful about what you put in your body.

To prove this point to yourself I want you to go out and buy the most unhealthy lunch you can. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC or some other deep fried animal should do the trick. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. Are you more irritable? Are you more depressed and tired? Are you quicker to anger? I bet you are. Now for dinner I want you to have a meal that contains nothing man made. That means no pasta, baked goods or anything produced in a factory. Make something full of colorful vegetables and natural products. Avoid meat if you can. Now watch your mind for the next two hours. How much more energetic, happy and alive do you feel?

The thing about food is that it can change your life. If you eat poorly you are more likely to get cancer, heart disease and diabetes. If you eat well you can live longer, avoid illness and look super sexy. So why do we always opt for the bad choice? Laziness? I’m not sure. Eating well is a big part of being emotionally healthy.

7. Enjoy the middle
Quite often the reason we get unhealthy emotionally is because we do things in excess. Instead of partying once a week we do it four times a week. Instead of eating junk food on the weekends we eat it on the weekdays. Instead of having one coffee per day we have seven. A key to being emotionally healthy is doing things in moderation. Quite often it isn’t that something is inherently bad for us, it is just that we do it too often.

8. Develop strength in your own personal set of values
Emotional health is not just avoid depression and learning to cope with stress. That is just a tiny fraction of what we are talking about. Emotional health is also become a less angry person, considering other human beings in a different way and improving yourself on a variety of levels. One of the ways you can improve your emotional health is to develop a set of values and stick to them.

Last Winter, at the Lake
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When I was in high school I remember hearing that “the measure of a man is by how quickly he gets angry“. I found this statement to be extremely inspiring and decided then and there that I was going to avoid anger at all costs. The more I looked into the statement the more I realized how much other people respected calm, strong and un-angry people. This was something I was going to follow through.

Over time life has thrown me many more of these lessons. Compassion, love, patience. All of these ideas I have tried to adopt into my own persona and stick to them no matter what. And it has been an amazing source of strength. Whenever I feel my emotional state slipping I remind myself of who I want to be and whip myself back on track.

Conclusion

Emotional health is all about working with your mind and your body to achieve some sort of personal mastery. It is a long process and along the way you will inevitably stagger, fault and make mistakes. But these mistakes all serve to make you stronger. If you want to stay emotionally healthy for your entire life you need to explore your mind, read philosophy, take care of your body and avoid extremes. If you can do even a few of these you will be far better equipped than the majority of the population.

So how emotionally healthy are you? Do you do most of these things already or do you have work to do? Most important, what have I missed?

Originally posted on November 25, 2009 @ 2:35 am

Twilight Love: Do You Love Like a Vampire & Is It a Good Thing?

Personal Growth, Spirit

Bella and Edward Cullen
Creative Commons License photo credit: bruna :]

Edward Cullen. The name causes hearts all over the world to skip a beat. Chivalrous, dangerous, protective. His love for Bella, 90-odd years his junior, has captivated the hearts and minds of girls and women everywhere. They leave cinemas green with envy; wishing that that had a love like that.

In this post I want to look at this vampire love and explore some of the thoughts I had about Edward and Bella as I sat there in the New Moon screening. Is this love realistic? Is it harmful to the girls who long for it? Why is it so attractive?

BE INTERACTIVE: Leave a comment after the post and share your views. We have some extremely smart comment leavers here.

Why is Twilight so attractive to girls and women?

Let’s start this post by looking at why Twilight is so incredibly captivating to girls and women around the world. This will serve as a base for discovering whether or not it is a positive thing.

1. Edward is dangerous
Anyone who went to high school will know that some girls love the bad boy. They are attracted to the danger and the thrill of being associated with someone so loose. Edward takes this danger to a whole new level because he wants to eat Bella! Her smell intoxicates him. Add to the mix that a tiny cut on Bella’s finger can turn Edward’s relatives into a pack of blood-thirsty killers and you have yourself a dangerous man.

2. Chivalry is alive
Edward Cullen is extremely old fashioned. Having been turned into a vampire sometime in the early 1900’s he has a set of values that many women today long for. He is romantic and extremely chivalrous. Mix that in with the element of danger and you have a very attractive male figure.

Later in this post I will touch on why I am extremely happy to see this back in popular culture.

3. A mind reading protector
Some women love a protector. The love of being protected is something that, I have read, occurs naturally in many women due to the relationship with the father and the history of having a male go out and hunt for food and fend off dangers in ancient times. Nowadays women are completely independent of course and no longer need the protections of a male. But many of my female friends remarked that the way Edward fights for Bella is one of the most attractive things of all.

Why this vampire style love is a good thing

Z
Creative Commons License photo credit: Sparkle in the sun

Before I get into the reasons why Twilight could be harmful to some relationships, I want to start with the positive and talk about why I am extremely happy that many young girls and boys are seeing these movies.
And it goes back to one word – chivalry.

A generation of teenagers valuing respect for women
I’m a male. And I have male friends. And when you go out with males you inevitable get onto the subject of women. Sex. And the conversations that take place are often enough to make your stomach crawl (my stomach anyway). Call me old fashioned, but I really struggle to participate in conversations where women are just games, sexual objects and described in vocabulary that you would never call your mother.

And for all intensive purposes one could say that this view of women is getting worse. Pornography is now more wide spread than ever. I recently read a statistic that the number of women appearing in pornographic material online doubles each year. Doubles. So when you mix the two facts that men are watching more pornography and more women are appearing in pornography you start to create a culture that has little respect for women other than as sexual beings.

But Twilight paints the relationship between boy and girl in a different light. Sure there is sexual tension and sure there is romance, but it is of a very respectful nature. Edward values Bella more than anything else on Earth and because of that value he behaves in very a chivalrous way. And this is a very important thing for young men to see women enjoying.

Why Twilight is NOT helpful for relationships

oh, Edward (365.195)
Creative Commons License photo credit: splityarn

Now I would like to get into my usual critical self and talk about why I think the love portrayed in Twilight is potentially harmful.

They cannot live without each other
The most amazing thing about Twilight is also the most concerning. We all love to see how desperate Bella and Edward are for each other. When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon she sits by her window for months on end. She is depressed. She begins to seek out dangerous hobbies in order to feel close to him again. She cannot live without him.

Now let’s be honest, teenagers do not really need any encouragement in this area! We all remember what it was like with our first love. It had to go on forever because we simply could not live without them. The pain and the angst was crippling. And we all got hurt. And while the great love of Edward and Bella has created an incredible love story, it also paints relationships in an unrealistic light.

You can live without your partner. If they leave you it is not the end of the world. Your identity is completely separate from them and you will move on. If you know this then you can sit back and enjoy the eternal romance without any issues. But if you base your idea of a relationship on that of Edward and Bella’s then you are bound to have some problems.

Love does not last forever
Here is the part of the post where I say something that gets me into trouble. Especially if my gorgeous lady reads it. But I do not think it is true to think that love is eternal. I think it is a view that causes more problems than solutions and I think it is based on fear. Here’s why.

I love Mrs. Daily Minder with all my heart. I have loved her since high school and there has never been a day where I have stopped loving her. Captivated by her intelligence, her compassion and her companionship I imagine I will go on loving her til the day I die. But at death there is a separation. And it is a separation I want to be aware of. I do not want to ignore it.

As brutal as it may sound, I think the idea that love goes on forever and that you will meet in the afterlife is something people say to hide the painful truth that one day you need to part. We are not vampires that can live forever in some timeless romance. We are humans with bodies that get sick and die. And at that moment of death the attachment to your loved one will cause you immense suffering – you will struggle to let go.

Why the impermanence of love is a good thing
Understanding that you are going to have to leave your love is a good understanding to have. It is a very positive and workable situation. It is not a cause for depression.

Why?

Because all of a sudden you are pushed into a realistic world where you know that your time with this person is finite. Much like a person who has survived a serious illness, you now look at life and love in a new light and you do everything you can to make the most of the opportunity.

Imagine a marriage where you spend 50 years together knowing that you have to part and making the most of each day together.

What do you think?

Here is the interesting part. What do you think about Twilight? Do you think the ideas about love and chivalry portrayed in the movies are helpful or harmful? Why do you think it has captivated so many young women? Do you think I am wrong about love not lasting forever.

Please leave a comment and let us know.

Originally posted on November 20, 2009 @ 12:44 am

The Excuses Culture: Why We Protect Ourselves With Excuses

Inspiration, Personal Growth, Spirit

Power Nap
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He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. – Benjamin Franklin

When was the last time you made a resolve to achieve something, set a deadline and then achieved it? Can you even remember the last time? I’m struggling. And the reason I am struggling to remember such a time is because of excuses. I make them for everything; consciously and unconsciously. Without noticing it, excuses have become a habit that I am struggling to shake.

In this post I want to talk about the excuses culture that we have develop within ourselves and why we use excuses to protect ourselves from feelings of failure and fear. Hopefully it will spur some readers out there into action.

Why we make excuses

exc

Photo credit: Franzi in der Wiese

A few years ago I was sitting in the car with a friend of mine having a conversation (argument) about how I always seem to find a way out of things. At the end of the debate he said something that has stayed at the front of my mind, something that I think about whenever I am feeling like making an excuse. He said:

“You have always found things easy. You are good at everything. But you aren’t great at anything because you make excuses. You would rather be the ‘potential’ to be great than actually try and fail. And that is sad.”

He was right. All my life I have been naturally gifted at sport and academics. I didn’t have to work hard to get good. But I never really excelled at anything. I never worked really hard to become great at a certain activity. Why? Because I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of trying and not getting there.

My parents role in this habit
I never blame my parents for anything in my life. I simply do not feel like it is a productive exercise. But I can see how certain things they did impacted the way I turned out. And one of those things was how my mother always told me how amazing I could be. She would constantly tell me how smart I was, how good at soccer I was and how I could become something truly special.

But rather than spurring me on to excellence it seemed to do the opposite. I was comfortable being the potential for greatness. I was afraid to actually give it a shot for fear that I wasn’t actually as smart, talented and athletic as she thought. So I made excuses. Excuses so I wouldn’t have to try.

And we all do it. All the time.

Fear: the reason for most excuses
So why do we make excuses? Why do we find ways to get out of things? Well, for the most part, it is because we are afraid. We are afraid of trying and we are afraid of failing. We are afraid of change and we will do anything to keep the norm functioning. Fear is the reason most of us make excuses.

If you look deep into your own mind and your own behavior you will see that you make excuses to protect your sense of self. We spend our whole lives developing and ego and decorating it with friends and family and money and success and we will do anything to protect our concept of that self. Even if it makes us depressed and unfulfilled. And ultimately that is what excuses do, they make you feel unfulfilled.

How to stop making excuses and move forward

Stretch it Out!
Creative Commons License photo credit: Triphamr

People say that the hardest thing you will ever do is quit smoking. But quitting excuses is 10 times harder. Excuses are the reason you started smoking, drinking and eating bad food. You make an excuse not to be healthy and an excuse not to be happy. Breaking the excuse culture is damn hard work. Here are some things you can do.

1. Realize that you do it all the time
As always, you need to take a look at yourself and really truly realize that you make mistakes. Find concrete examples of where you have sabotaged your progress by making an excuse and remember that incident. Bring it to mind whenever you feel like doing it again.

2. Look at your (lack of) progress
Take a look at how much progress you have made with your meditation, athletics, mortgage repayments or family weekend time. See how many excuses you have made and how that has affected your progress is a very real way. Until you can see that it is doing damage you will have no real impetus to stop.

3. Realize that death is coming
People always send me emails saying that I am too depressing when I talk about death. I always reply saying “it is depressing not to talk about it”. For too long our species has made death a taboo subject when, in fact, it is the only thing in life that is certain. Understand that death is coming and that you have no time for excuses. Not any. Its too hot, too cold, too nice inside, I’m too tired, I have a headache… all of those sound like absolute bullshit when you are on your deathbed looking back at what you didn’t achieve.

4. Realize you do it out of fear
If you go up to a fat man in the street and tell him that he is a coward he will probably punch you in the face. Men don’t like to be considered afraid, but that is exactly what we are. We make excuses because we are afraid. Why, then, do we still do it? If someone told us that we were afraid of something else we would do everything in our power to change and prove that we are brave. Do that now with excuses. Prove that you are not afraid of failure, change or losing the norm.

5. Be different in five years time
How different are you now to five years ago? Are you more loving, compassionate, patient, strong, rich, happy, thin, etc.? Take a look at whatever goal you have in your life and see how much closer you are to it now than you were five years ago. If you can say you are happy with your progress then chances are you don’t have a problem with excuses. If you are almost exactly the same then you can bet your right eye on the fact that you are stagnant because you are sabotaging your progress by saying “its too hard” or “its too cold outside”. Be different in five years time and stop making excuses.

Do you make excuses?

I would love to know how many of my readers consider themselves to be excuse makers. What kind of excuses do you come up with and how (if at all) have you dealt with them? Have your excuses held you back from being all that you can be? And how have you felt the weight of this “potential” slowing you down in life? Is it easier to not try?

Originally posted on September 27, 2009 @ 3:43 am