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Daily Steps To Mindful Living

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Giving thanks – Practising gratitude

Inspiration, Spirit

Here’s a confession – I’m not a natural optimist. I’m not one of those people for whom the glass is always half full. I have to really train my mind not to focus on how empty it looks. It’s not easy, I can tell you.

One thing that I’ve found particularly effective in recent times is practising gratitude. At the end of every day I sit and write down a list of five things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s easy and I can think of more than five, whereas other times I really struggle, but I make sure I complete the list. By focusing on the good things that happened in the day, or just the positive things in my life, I find that I feel happier and more optimistic.
Shopping List
Creative Commons License photo credit: LexnGer

You don’t even have to write them down – it’s the process that’s important – so instead you could list them in your head as you’re getting ready for bed. If this sounds difficult, why not enlist a friend or partner to help you? You could send each other a daily gratitude email or text.

Incidentally, there’s research to back this all up. In one 2003 study a group of individuals wrote down five things they were grateful for each week, for 10 weeks. At the end of the trial this group were 25% happier than a comparison group who just wrote down five things that happened in the week.
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Originally posted on October 7, 2011 @ 10:19 am

The Excuses Culture: Why We Protect Ourselves With Excuses

Inspiration, Personal Growth, Spirit

Power Nap
Creative Commons License photo credit: sevenfloorsdown

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. – Benjamin Franklin

When was the last time you made a resolve to achieve something, set a deadline and then achieved it? Can you even remember the last time? I’m struggling. And the reason I am struggling to remember such a time is because of excuses. I make them for everything; consciously and unconsciously. Without noticing it, excuses have become a habit that I am struggling to shake.

In this post I want to talk about the excuses culture that we have develop within ourselves and why we use excuses to protect ourselves from feelings of failure and fear. Hopefully it will spur some readers out there into action.

Why we make excuses

exc

Photo credit: Franzi in der Wiese

A few years ago I was sitting in the car with a friend of mine having a conversation (argument) about how I always seem to find a way out of things. At the end of the debate he said something that has stayed at the front of my mind, something that I think about whenever I am feeling like making an excuse. He said:

“You have always found things easy. You are good at everything. But you aren’t great at anything because you make excuses. You would rather be the ‘potential’ to be great than actually try and fail. And that is sad.”

He was right. All my life I have been naturally gifted at sport and academics. I didn’t have to work hard to get good. But I never really excelled at anything. I never worked really hard to become great at a certain activity. Why? Because I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of trying and not getting there.

My parents role in this habit
I never blame my parents for anything in my life. I simply do not feel like it is a productive exercise. But I can see how certain things they did impacted the way I turned out. And one of those things was how my mother always told me how amazing I could be. She would constantly tell me how smart I was, how good at soccer I was and how I could become something truly special.

But rather than spurring me on to excellence it seemed to do the opposite. I was comfortable being the potential for greatness. I was afraid to actually give it a shot for fear that I wasn’t actually as smart, talented and athletic as she thought. So I made excuses. Excuses so I wouldn’t have to try.

And we all do it. All the time.

Fear: the reason for most excuses
So why do we make excuses? Why do we find ways to get out of things? Well, for the most part, it is because we are afraid. We are afraid of trying and we are afraid of failing. We are afraid of change and we will do anything to keep the norm functioning. Fear is the reason most of us make excuses.

If you look deep into your own mind and your own behavior you will see that you make excuses to protect your sense of self. We spend our whole lives developing and ego and decorating it with friends and family and money and success and we will do anything to protect our concept of that self. Even if it makes us depressed and unfulfilled. And ultimately that is what excuses do, they make you feel unfulfilled.

How to stop making excuses and move forward

Stretch it Out!
Creative Commons License photo credit: Triphamr

People say that the hardest thing you will ever do is quit smoking. But quitting excuses is 10 times harder. Excuses are the reason you started smoking, drinking and eating bad food. You make an excuse not to be healthy and an excuse not to be happy. Breaking the excuse culture is damn hard work. Here are some things you can do.

1. Realize that you do it all the time
As always, you need to take a look at yourself and really truly realize that you make mistakes. Find concrete examples of where you have sabotaged your progress by making an excuse and remember that incident. Bring it to mind whenever you feel like doing it again.

2. Look at your (lack of) progress
Take a look at how much progress you have made with your meditation, athletics, mortgage repayments or family weekend time. See how many excuses you have made and how that has affected your progress is a very real way. Until you can see that it is doing damage you will have no real impetus to stop.

3. Realize that death is coming
People always send me emails saying that I am too depressing when I talk about death. I always reply saying “it is depressing not to talk about it”. For too long our species has made death a taboo subject when, in fact, it is the only thing in life that is certain. Understand that death is coming and that you have no time for excuses. Not any. Its too hot, too cold, too nice inside, I’m too tired, I have a headache… all of those sound like absolute bullshit when you are on your deathbed looking back at what you didn’t achieve.

4. Realize you do it out of fear
If you go up to a fat man in the street and tell him that he is a coward he will probably punch you in the face. Men don’t like to be considered afraid, but that is exactly what we are. We make excuses because we are afraid. Why, then, do we still do it? If someone told us that we were afraid of something else we would do everything in our power to change and prove that we are brave. Do that now with excuses. Prove that you are not afraid of failure, change or losing the norm.

5. Be different in five years time
How different are you now to five years ago? Are you more loving, compassionate, patient, strong, rich, happy, thin, etc.? Take a look at whatever goal you have in your life and see how much closer you are to it now than you were five years ago. If you can say you are happy with your progress then chances are you don’t have a problem with excuses. If you are almost exactly the same then you can bet your right eye on the fact that you are stagnant because you are sabotaging your progress by saying “its too hard” or “its too cold outside”. Be different in five years time and stop making excuses.

Do you make excuses?

I would love to know how many of my readers consider themselves to be excuse makers. What kind of excuses do you come up with and how (if at all) have you dealt with them? Have your excuses held you back from being all that you can be? And how have you felt the weight of this “potential” slowing you down in life? Is it easier to not try?

Originally posted on September 27, 2009 @ 3:43 am

How to Deal With Anxiety at Parties and Social Gatherings

Inspiration, Life, Spirit


Creative Commons License photo credit: Amre Ghiba

Parties and social gatherings are a part of life. They are intended to be happy occasions where friends and colleagues get together to catch up and unwind. However, there are a lot of people out there who hate going to parties because they experience high level of anxiety. I used to be one of them. In this post I am going to give you some simple ways to deal with stress and anxiety at parties and social gatherings.

Are you afraid of the marketplace?

First of all it is interesting to look at the condition known as agoraphobia. This word comes from the Greek words agora and phobos and literally translates as “fear of the marketplace”.

Agoraphobia is where people become anxious in situations with which they are unfamiliar or have little control (ie parties). The anxiety is often made worse by the fear of possibly having a panic attack in that unfamiliar situation. The fear and anxiety often spirals out of control and leaves you feeling completely sick and alone.




The condition known as agoraphobia is slightly shrouded in mystery. Experts know what it is but, in truth, they have no idea what causes the problem. There are many different theories and at this time that is all we have to go on. If you find that your fear of parties and social gatherings is becoming more and more serious it is possible that you have this common condition. In that case, it would be a good idea to go and visit your local GP for advice.

How to deal with anxiety at parties and social gatherings


Creative Commons License photo credit: lincolnblues

Even if you do have the condition of agoraphobia the techniques I am about to give you will be of some use. As I mentioned, I used to get extremely anxious before a party. But by using these methods I was soon able to overcome the problem completely.

1. Go with a friend who knows about your problem
Back in high school when I used to suffer from this sort of social gathering related anxiety I had a really good friend who knew my condition. I felt completely comfortable around him and he was very accepting of my reactions. Going to a party with him was a great support because I knew with 100% certainty that he would make excuses for me or support me if I needed to go.

If you have a friend with whom you can be completely open with about your condition it is a great idea to ask them to come along with you. My friend used to be my saving grace – never judgmental or impatient. I remember one party we went to when we were 18 where he sat in the car with me for over an hour just talking to me because he knew I needed to calm down. It was a massive gift for me when everyone else (parents, sisters, etc.) were telling me to just “get over it”.

Try to be open about your problem. I always found that telling people made it better, not worse. If people are aware that you get a little anxious they will always support you.

2. Understand that you’re not that important
The title of this point might seem a little bit harsh but it is something that really helped me out. Give me a few paragraphs to explain because I think it could help you too.

Understanding that you are not that important is a valuable tool to learn. To this day I feel that a lot of my anxiety at parties came because I wanted to uphold a certain “persona” or “character” and I got anxious when I felt that there was going to a be a situation where I might be “exposed”. For example, high school is a time when everyone is trying to be cool and fit in. If you get anxious before a party it might be because you are worrying too much about what other people think about you. You spend so much time worrying what others think about you that it ends up making you really nervous, paranoid and anxious.

Sometimes it is useful to say to yourself, “I am not that important. People are not thinking about me at every moment. My every move is not being scrutinized.” If you be realistic you will come to realize that most people are too wrapped up in their own issues and neurosis to be concerned with you.

3. Cut the pre-party worry chain
Getting anxious at the party itself is only part of the battle. One of the worst things that sufferers of this condition experience is days or even weeks of nervous anticipation. They worry and think about the party so much before hand that when they arrive at the day of the party itself the anxiety is beyond control.

If you want to learn how to deal with anxiety and panic at a party you need to take care of the preparation. Preparing yourself by worrying will only lead to bad experiences. If you can, however, cut the chain of worry you will find that the party itself is not at all that bad.

I wrote a lot about worry in this post on how to deal with worry. The basic technique that you need to learn is simply becoming aware of the fact that you are worrying. Look inside your mind and notice that worry is arising. You don’t need to try to get rid of it or force it out, just become aware of it. When you can do this you will find that it has a lot less power and you are more able to gain control over your mind.

4. Bring to mind the truth of impermanence
When you are suffering from a panic attack or high levels of anxiety it is useful to remember that nothing is permanent. Your panic, anxiety and stress will all go away soon enough.

For example, if you are going to a party and you really do not want to go because you are feeling anxious it is good to bring to mind the fact that both the party and your anxiety will soon finish. They will not last forever. The great thing about this strategy is that you know it is true – you can look at your own experiences to realize that anxiety doesn’t last. It never has before and it never will – it is always going to be impermanent.

The next time you rock up to a party or social gathering and start to feel the anxiety creeping in just take a moment to sit under the sky and say to yourself, “This won’t last.” Remind yourself that your panic will come, but it will also go. The party has started, but it will soon finish. Why get so worked up about something that is only fleeting? This really helped me with my own anxiety.

5. Don’t drink alcohol, coffee or smoke anything
This should be a given but many people do not realize the negative effects that these three substances have on your anxiety and stress. Coffee, alcohol and smoking (tobacco and marijuana) all lead to increased levels of anxiety.

If you cut out these substances you will not automatically cure your party anxiety. It will still probably come about. However, the flip side of this is that if you DO take these substances your anxiety and panic will get much worse. While I have never been a drinker or a smoker, I did used to consume an awful lot of coffee. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was making me very anxious. As soon as I cut it out I noticed that my mind was much easier to control – much more relaxed.

Next time you have a party to go to try cutting out these three things. See how your mind reacts. See how your body reacts. See if you feel more in control. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

6. Stop the mental chatter
This point is closely related to the strategy about cutting the worry chain. However, this point has more to do with the internal “conversation” that we all seem to have. This mental chatter, in my experience, makes dealing with anxiety a lot worse.

Let’s pretend you are going to a party and all your old high school friends are going to be there. You might start feeling a little anxious and so, as a means to deal with your anxiety, you start talking to yourself about all the different situations that might arise at the party. Your goal is to “cover” all the possible scenarios that might occur and in doing so you believe that you will be better prepared for the party. Wrong.

Mental chatter always makes worry and anxiety worse. The reason for this is simple: worry never sorts anything out. You could spend every minute of everyday for 1000 years thinking about a party but you will never find a solution. The more you internally jabber on about it the worse your anxiety will become.

The next time you notice yourself starting one of these internal dialogues remind yourself that nothing good will come of it. You will not be able to sort out anything by thinking about it. All you are doing is wasting precious time worrying about something that might/might not happen! What a waste of energy.

7. Exercise before hand
Exercise has been scientifically proven to improve the happiness of a person. The reason exercise makes you happy is twofold. Firstly, exercises causes your body to release a chemical called endorphins which make you feel good. Secondly, when you exercise you feel better about yourself mentally. Exercising before a party can be a great way to get a hold on the stress.

The best exercise you can do is something that is considered “high intensity”. My personal favorite are heavy weights or martial arts. These exercises fill you with confidence and to some degree relax your body such that you are less likely to feel the stresses and pains of anxiety overcoming you.

Another form of exercise that might be beneficial is yoga or tai chi. These have been used for centuries to calm the mind and relax the body. It is said that getting the internal energies or “chi” under control will help you to stay calm. Yoga and tai chi certainly do this.

8. Remember, it could be worse!
Sometimes it is tempting to think that a party is the worst place to be on Earth. But it isn’t. Life could be a lot worse.

I always found it really helpful to remember that I am quite fortunate to be able to attend a party with my friends and family. Many people around the world do not have the freedom or the ability to attend parties – their life is spent just surviving. The next time you feel like the anxiety is too much remind yourself that a party is actually a happy event. Don’t let your own issues spoil it for you.

How about you?

I would love to hear whether or not you get nervous before a party. Do you feel stress, anxious and sometimes panicked before it starts? If so, have you found any techniques that help to calm you down? Please leave a comment and let everyone know. As I always say, it might really help someone reading this article.

Originally posted on January 27, 2009 @ 4:02 am

The Power of Love: Proof That Animals Have Emotions

Inspiration, Spirit

Every now and then you see a bit of footage that hits you in a place you forgot you had inside you. The video I am about to show you is one of them.

Today my brother showed me a short clip that really touched me. In fact, it was difficult to hold back the water-works while I watched it. I don’t want to give away too much of the plot of the video but, to me, is proof that it isn’t just humans that feel emotions.

If you are in need of a cheer up or you are an animal lover or still think that animals don’t “feel” anything then you should spend two minutes watching this beautiful video. I challenge you to watch it and not feel zapped by the power and strength of friendship and love.

What do you think?

Originally posted on September 8, 2008 @ 7:27 am

Barack Obama: Lessons on Charisma from Obama’s Campaign Trail

Inspiration, Spirit

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama

With the news today that Barack Obama may have defeated Hilary Clinton in the race for the leadership I felt inspired to talk about a few of Mr. Obama’s better qualities. In this post I want to look at some things we can learn from Obama about developing charisma.

How to develop charisma like Barack Obama

Charisma is hard to define. It comes from the Greek word “karisma” and means divine or blessed quality. It is difficult to define because it means different things to different people. Some people will perceive a person as charismatic while others will not. However, people who are widely accepted as charismatic often share similar behavioral traits.

Obama has a lot of them. Let’s take a look and see if we can learn a few things.

1. Charasmatic leaders empower people

“I’m asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington… I’m asking you to believe in yours.” – Barack Obama

Barack Obama has the makings of a truly great leader. Take a look at the quote above. It is typical of his style and is reminiscent of every great leader. Why? Because he leads by empowering people.

We all know the manager in the workplace who attempts to hold on to his power by taking away and demoting everyone else. It is counterproductive and it doesn’t work very well. A good leader, on the other hand, will empower his/her people and make them feel like they are an important part of the process. Obama does this extremely well.

Charismatic people empower those around them. Take a look at how Obama kicks of this Q and A session and how he empowers the first South Korean speaker:

2. Charismatic people inspire confidence

“There’s not a liberal America and a conservative America – there’s the United States of America.” – Barack Obama

One of the main traits of a charismatic person is that they inspire confidence. When you talk to a person with great charisma you will often feel protected and re-assured because they know exactly what to do and how to do it. You leave thinking that everything is going to be okay because this person knows what they are doing.

Obama does this all the time. Take a look at this video of Obama on 60 minutes. Calm, collected and very confidence inspiring.

3. Charismatic people use people’s names and physically interact
One thing that most charismatic people do is engage people by asking their names, remembering those names and physically interacting with them.

Asking a person their name (or remembering it when you reconnect) is the single best way you can show that you are interested and care about what they are feeling/have to say. The next thing you can do is physically interact with them by shaking hands or touching their shoulders in a friendly way. Take a look at Obama at this meet and greet:

4. Charismatic people speak well

“A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, ‘Huh. It works. It makes sense.” – Barack Obama

The final thing I am going to talk about today in regards to charismatic people is their ability to speak extremely well. Their words are carefully thought out and always meaningful. It is very unlikely that a charismatic person will waste his/her time talking about unimportant issues. The words they speak somehow carry a great weight.

Think about some of the greats: Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Lincoln, Gandhi… every word they spoke had a purpose.

Take a look at this speech Obama gives where he talks about “Just words”. The first one and half minutes of this speech are the most inspiring and charismatic moments I have seen come out of a presidential hopeful in a long time.

Conclusion on developing charisma like Obama

Many people believe that it is impossible to develop charisma. Those who have studied it think that it is an innate quality that people are born with. However, by studying people who are considered charismatic we can pick up some tips and tricks. Keep in mind, however, having charisma is utterly useless unless you use it to make a difference.

top image:Creative Commons License photo credit: Barack Obama

Other Global News

The Korean comfort women speak out

China media: Obama’s Cuba ‘legacy’

Originally posted on May 8, 2008 @ 3:50 am

What Britney Spears Can Teach You About Career Moves

Inspiration, Spirit

Britney Spears is the self proclaimed embodiment of the lifestyle of the rich and famous. She has achieved huge success, fame and wealth. She has also started to lose the plot. In this article I want to take a [painful] look at what Britters can teach us about a good career moves.

What can Britney Spears teach you about career moves

We should probably do the opposite of everything mentioned here.

1. When you start something, don’t finish it
In 2007 Britney Spears checked into a fancy rehab clinic. She was preparing to get off the drugs and alcohol and needed help. She was preparing for a long, tough and agonizing journey.

She checked out the same day.

If you want to quit a bad habit or develop a new good habit it is important to give up as soon as it gets hard.

2. Don’t face up to your misdeeds, even if there were witnesses

Britney hitting a parked car and driving away

Earlier in the year Britney drove her car into another car and then drove away without leaving a number, insurance details, etc. The problem was, there were hundreds of paparazzi cameras flashing away; the whole thing was caught on camera.

This teaches us the importance of not being honest and not caring about other people’s property. It also shows that we should never face up to things that we have done wrong, even when there are witnesses.

3. Disrespect those who influence your future
When Britney Spears was in court for one of her many criminal acts she proceeded to call the judge who was about to decide her sentence an “old fart”.

This is a good idea for all of use who want to get ahead. Don’t suck up to people, make fun of them and call them names!

4. Give only 50% at important work gatherings

Britney Spears comeback performance

Remember when Britney finished her stint in rehab and had to give a come back performance for her new album? She got up on stage in a tight bikini looking perhaps a little overweight, tired and possibly high. It was not a pretty sight. Everyone felt sorry for her and really didn’t enjoy the performance.

This lessons shows us how important it is to make little to no preparations and then give only 50% of your best when it counts.

5. If in doubt, kiss Madonna
Some people have said that the kiss with Madonna was the beginning of the end for Britney. It was after this that her drug abuse worsened, she married a few deadbeats in Vegas, released a greatest hits album (already!), checked in and out of rehab and more.

Britney was now showing the world that everything she had said before about her morals, ethics and religion was no longer important. All of that could be forgone for some ratings.

Conclusion on Britney’s career moves

We all laugh and joke about Britney but in reality I think we have lost sight that this girl is in serious trouble. She is mentally unwell and obviously not happy. The sad thing is that is the we as consumers who created this. Her life is public because we can’t get enough of the gossip.

But I ask you: what is so good about this woman that you want to keep looking? Nothing she does is worthy of attention.

The reason for writing this post was 1) to have a bit of a laugh and 2) to show that everything that we do has a consequence. Little girls are learning from Britney and will grow up thinking that she is a role model. Is your career so important that you would be unethical to get to where you want to be?

“Be very mindful of everything that you say for those very words could establish someone on the path to success or failure.” – Unknown.

Originally posted on March 29, 2008 @ 6:03 am