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How to Become a Better Husband, Boyfriend or Life Partner

Life, Personal Growth, Spirit

This article is not particularly insightful. Nor is it all that authoritative. I am not claiming to be the world’s best husband – far from it. But one thing I can attest to is that I am always trying to be better for my lady. I never forget that our relationship is something that needs to grow and change and be worked on.

In this post I am going to tell you all the most important things I know about being a good husband, boyfriend or life partner. Some of these I figured out myself, others I learned by trying to do the opposite of what my father did.

NOTE – This post is for the men out there. Ladies, perhaps you can read it too and if you like it email it to your man. [Read more…] about How to Become a Better Husband, Boyfriend or Life Partner

Originally posted on September 1, 2009 @ 8:50 am

Growing Up: The Train That Can Never Stop

Life, Personal Growth, Spirit


Creative Commons License photo credit: joesflickr

I’m 24 years old. I’m in the North Indian Himalayas. I’m sitting down for a private audience with one of Tibet’s most revered Buddhist teachers. After telling him how attached I am to my mother he looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles and gently says, “Well, you have to grow up now“. No seven words have ever hit me so hard.

This post is dedicated to all you people out there who are struggling with bitter sweet agony of growing up. I hope it gives you something to think about.

John Mayer and the train that can never stop

If you follow me on Twitter you will probably know that I am a fan of John Mayer. John is one of those rare artists that has an innate ability to put certain life situations into words. In fact, before I started listening to Mayer I would have argued that many of these emotions, desperate mental dramas and secret inner quandaries were unable to be described in ordinary language. They are simply too experiential to be categorized.

But John manages to. John reconnects me to those mental places with his lyrics. He does it time and time again. And although I am desperately trying to avoid these emotions (because they hurt), I find myself listening to Mayer again and again because it reminds me I am not unique. These emotions are, for the most part, universal to all humans. I have to thank John for that.

One John Mayer song that is not particularly critically acclaimed or even well liked amongst his fans is called Stop This Train. It is a song that, whenever I hear it, sends me back to that terrifying place of knowing that, really, we are alone growing up in this world. But, at the same time, it connects you with a feeling of hope because you aren’t the only one in that situation.

I ask everyone reading this post to watch an incredible solo performance of John singing this song here while taking a look at the lyrics here. Take five minutes out of your day to experience this song and everything it means to you because it gives this article a lot of context.

Crying, driving away in the dark


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There comes a point in everyone’s life when they realize there is no turning back. In the song Mayer uses the metaphor of driving away from his parents house, crying, in the dark. We have all had that moment. It might have been when you moved out or when you realized that you could beat your dad at table tennis. For a lot of people it manifests as an extremely empty and hollow realization.

The interesting thing is that some people are more equipped for this moment than others. Some people shut down and start to compensate for this lost youth in negative ways. Others embrace it and look forward to the future. Some people do both. But this moment is pivotal because it is the start of your adulthood. How you deal with this moment has a lot to do with whether you ever really grow up at all – and a lot of people don’t.

How to move forward and grow up


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I am not professing to have all the answers. I still struggle all the time with the idea that I am no longer at home with my mum eating her cooking and asking her for $10 to buy lunch with. I still struggle with the fact that she is going to die one day.

But since my conversation with that Buddhist Lama I have made some headway. I am stepping out on my own more and I am starting to enjoy it. Here are some tips on how to grow up well. Tips on how to drive away in the dark knowing that you are going to make it.

1. Accept it as soon as you can
Something you are going to need to do eventually is accept that there is no going back. You will have to accept this to grow up well. You can put it off or you can stand up tall and do it now. There is never any going back to the old days. The old days are like a dead person and you cannot revive a dead person no matter how much you long for them.

I encourage everyone who is struggling to grow up to accept fact that the past is gone and it is never coming back. Move forward. Its all you have.

2. Give up the memory reliving
If you are a healthy adult who has dealt with the growing up process well then there is nothing wrong with a little nostalgic reminiscing. But if you are buying sports cars, having affairs, trying to relive your youth or struggling with the depression of getting old then these memories can drive you mad. You need to give them up.

One of my worst traits is that I think to much. This inability to quiet my mind was one of the main reasons I was struggling to grow up. I would constantly play out the old days in my head, wishing, praying that I could go back to high school when things were simpler. But after I was gently told to “grow up” by my teacher I decided that it was time to leave these things behind and move on. And I have never been so happy.

The best way you can do this is by starting to become a little better at mediation. You don’t have to sit on a cushion and close your eyes but you do have to start becoming friends with your mind. Learn to watch your thoughts. Learn how they arise and subside without leaving any trace at all. When you do this they cease to control you.

3. Find out the cause
Often the pain associated with growing up can be linked to something else. Why are you feeling like this? Why are you missing the old days? If you can find another cause you might be able to get on top of those feelings.

For example, if you are really stressed because you think your wife is cheating on you then, undoubtedly, you are going to be longing for the old days where life was more simple. In this situation it isn’t the growing up that is causing the problem, it is some ancillary factor. Find out what is bringing these thoughts up and deal with it as soon as possible.

4. Don’t recreate
Trying to recreate the old days by going out with your mates all the time, skirting your responsibilities to your family, etc. is not going to solve the issue. A lot of people (men in particular) deal with the issue by not dealing with it. It is tempting here to grab you by your shirt collar and shake you while yelling, “Grow the F up man!” But of course that wouldn’t help.

We need to have a sense of honor in these situations by accepting the fact that we aren’t dealing with the problem very well. Trying to recreate the good ole days is not useful, nor will it make you feel better. As soon as you get in the cab to go home you will be back to that empty space. Recreating is living in the past and the past is a dead person. Remember?

5. Find good company
You are shaped in a big way by the people around you. If you are surrounded by 30 year old men who still wear their school jackets and go out drinking every night then you are going to go down with them. If, however, you hang out with people who are making progress, living and really trying to better themselves then you too will begin to move forward.

Finding good company is a massive part of growing up. It is a stark and bitter day when you realize that most of your buddies from high school are assholes and that you need new mates. You feel extremely alone. You have to find new people. But you will. And when you do you will be so much better off. Of course not everyone’s buddies from school are assholes. But a lot of the time they will hold you back because, as a group, you can just stay alive in the past.

6. Understand that things change
When the 16th Karmapa was on his death bed his students asked him to sum up his life’s experience and wisdom into one small teaching. After a brief pause he turned to them and simple said, “Things change”.

These two words are the quintessence of growing up. These two simple words summarize everything that you need to know about life. Things change and when you fail to grasp that truth you suffer. Nothing lasts and nothing stays the same. Embrace that chaos and find some peace by letting go.

Conslusion

So you have two options. You can fight to stop the train or you can go with it. As corny and cliche as it sounds, you really have to learn how to cope because there is no going back. Your youth is gone and all you have is now and, if you are lucky, the future. Have you grown up yet?

If you have any advice to give anyone or if you yourself have struggled with growing up please leave a comment and share your experience. It might really help someone.

Originally posted on July 31, 2009 @ 6:27 am

What Your Dreams Can Teach You About Being Awake (and Happy)

Personal Growth, Spirit


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We all dream. Some more than others. Some people will go off on fantasy journeys to far of lands where the imagination creates a smorgasbord of sensual pleasures. Other people will toss and turn the night over as they struggle to wake up from a nightmare that seems all too real. But what are your dreams teaching you? Are they teaching you anything at all? The answer lies within this post.

Can dreams predict your future?

We have all heard stories about people dreaming something that then comes true the next day. The television show Medium has made a lot of money telling the story of Allison Duboix, the psychic District Attorney’s assistant, who sees the killer in her dreams. And that is based on a true story. And for the record, I have no doubt in my mind that some people can actually predict future events based on their dreams. I am sure there are meditation masters out there who do it all the time.

But that is not what this post is about. In fact, the idea of looking at your dreams to try and extract some direct meaning is contrary to what I am talking about. I am talking about the symbolic nature of dreams. I am talking about the fact that your dreams are a microcosm for your whole life and, if you choose to, you can learn a lot about being awake from what happens when you are asleep.

What your dreams can teach you about being awake


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So what can your dreams teach you about being awake and living in the real world? What lessons can we take from our pillow out into our daily life? Quite a few actually. Here are a few ideas I picked up from my Buddhist teachers as well as a lifetime of being a “creative” dreamer.

1. Dreaming teaches you about impermanence
The first thing you can learn quite directly (and sometimes painfully) from dreams is that everything is impermanent. I remember being a young man in high school and dreaming of beautiful women that I was madly in love with only to wake up with the stark realization that these women were gone. We were lovers in the dream state but as soon as I woke up they were no longer there. The impermanence hit me hard.

The same is true of life. Nothing lasts. Trees, boats, clouds, life, love, hatred… everything is impermanent. Nothing composite can stay together. Nothing that goes up can resist from coming down. Dreams give you a very tangible insight into impermanence.

So what’s the point? Why learn this lesson? Well, if you can remember that feeling of impermanence you will become less attached to things which you know cannot last. And that gives you an amazing sense of freedom. When you can enjoy someones company without worrying about holding on to them you are much more open to the whole experience. The fear is gone. You know it is going to end and as such you enjoy it for what it is.

2. Dreaming teaches you to open your mind
The most powerful thing you can learn from dreaming is how to open your mind. When you live your life with an open mind you are more relaxed and happy and you are less likely to be affected by things that are, always, impermanent. Let me explain.

Let’s say you are dreaming about being in love with a beautiful woman. You can smell her hair and feel her soft skin. You talk to her about wondrous things and you go on sensual adventures together that seem to last a long time. It is so real. And then you wake up. All of a sudden you realize how unreal the experience was but still you are upset that you have lost her.

It is EXACTLY the same as real life.

In real life we fall in love and grasp and cling to beautiful women, good food, our homes and family and our points of view. But this clinging is silly because we are clinging to things that don’t last. It is just like the dream state only longer. How silly is the person who clings to something that happens in a dream? Why? It seems real at the time. It seemed like it would last forever at the time. But it doesn’t. And it doesn’t in the waking world either.

Similarly, when you are asleep and dreaming even the most crazy ideas seem real. You could be best friends with a four eyed dancing bear that had an ear for a mouth. It is ridiculous to the awake person but real to the dreaming person. So perhaps our waking perceptions are not that realistic either. If we can dream up nonsense in our sleep then perhaps our waking thoughts are not all that on target either? Open your mind up to the world because your perception is not always correct.

3. Dreams teach you to let go of your worries
Are you one of those people who dwells all day on the dream you had last night? Do you sit and try to relive the experience and try to ascertain every meaning from every little thing that happened? I used to be like that. Not anymore.

In a dream you could have a problem that seems so terrible and real. Or, you could be dreaming something that, upon waking, has something to do with an important area of your life. And it worries you. You worry about the dream coming true or whether it is a prophecy of things to come. But you know what? You won’t be able to figure it out until it happens. So drop it.

The same is true of waking thoughts.

All day long we play mind games. We carry out scenarios in our head trying to figure out the best course of action to take. But ultimately this mental chatter just makes us stressed. It doesn’t get us any closer to a solution. So drop it. Your dreams are just dreams and your thoughts are just thoughts. Worry about it when it happens.

Conclusion

Dreams really do give us an excellent insight into the human mind. They show us that our perceptions are not as solid and real as we think they are and that all thing are impermanent. If you take these lessons to heart your awake life will be more spacious, open and free. Don’t cling to dreams – not when you are asleep and not when you are awake.

Originally posted on July 17, 2009 @ 3:40 am

What Has Michael Jackson’s Death Taught You?

Personal Growth, Spirit


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I have never seen anything like it. Michael Jackson. Dead. Twitter goes crazy, people rally in the streets to sing his songs and a whole generation of fans cry for their lost hero. It is quite incredible. Michael Jackson was, to me, almost a mythical figure. His fame and charismatic presence left me in awe but at the same time I felt sickened by the accusations of pedophilia.

I didn’t want to write a post about this initially for fear of seeming like I was just trying to “get in on” the commotion. But I have been quite affected by the death of Michael Jackson and, listening to his songs the past few days, I have realized that this man has taught me quite a lot.

What Michael Jackson taught me: the music that changed my life

I don’t want to gloss over the pedophilia; it is an extremely serious matter. And I think people make excuses for Michael far too often. But the fact of the matter remains, he was never convicted of such crimes and as a result we are obliged (in some countries at least) to consider him innocent. If he did do these terrible things I can’t begin to describe how disappointed it would make me feel. I honestly hope the rumors are just rumors.

But despite all of his misgivings, he was an amazing man. He has sold more albums than any other person in history and has dozens of songs that have changed people’s lives forever. Listening to his music over the past few days I have realized just how big a part of my life Jackson has been.

Here are a few songs that have literally changed my life. This is how I want to remember him:

The death of biggest star of all time

He could stand on a stage and make people faint without moving an inch. His music sells more than any other artist. His songs have changed the music industry. His dancing has changed dancing. He was a star like no other. And now he is dead.

So I want to know, what has Michael Jackson taught you? Have you learned something from his music or from his death? How has this latest news impacted you? Please leave a comment.

Originally posted on July 2, 2009 @ 6:36 am

How to Recognize Your Personal Faults and Make a Change

Inspiration, Personal Growth, Spirit

Last night I went to have a hit of tennis with my younger brother. As he jumped in the car he said, “I have a present to give you” but wouldn’t tell me what it was. After the game we went back to his place and, upon walking in to his room, saw that his brand new super computer was packed up into a box. “I want you to have this,” he said. “If I you don’t take it I won’t get into medical school.”

In this post I want to talk a little bit about recognizing your personal faults and making changes that deal with those faults. I am writing this post on my new computer, inspired by my little brother’s ability to change his circumstances.

The story behind the amazing computer give-away

I want to give you a little bit of background to why my brother gave me this most generous present. Perhaps then you will see why I am so inspired by his strength of character.

My brother is 20 years old. He is currently in his third year of a Medical Science Degree and is now studying to sit an exam to get into Medicine. Medical school is his goal. It is his dream. It has been his dream since he broke his arm at around age 13 and realized how much his doctor helped and protected him. Ever since that fateful arm-break he has hungered to be a doctor.

But there is something standing in his way. It is something so powerful that it has consumed both his older brother (me) and his father. In fact, this thing standing in his way has stood in the way of goals and dreams all throughout history. That thing is procrastination.

My brother’s form of procrastination manifested as video games. It manifested as hours of online chess games, World of Warcraft and Counter Strike Source. He was constantly aware of how his love of video games was affecting his study but he was never able to completely quit them. Even though he had taken personal vows to quit the time wasting video games the draw and allure of the games always drew him back.

Now let me get something straight. This kid studies. He spends full days at University studying his texts and has been rewarded with some of the top grades in his class. Last semester he scored three High Distinctions and one Distinction and the head of school informed him that one of his papers would be used to show future classes how to write an excellent essay. He is smart.

But getting into Medical School is hard. Not only is it hard, it means a lot to him. He knows what his dream is and he doesn’t want to look back and realize that he failed to get into the school because he wasted time playing chess. So, last night after tennis, my brother gave me his computer saying, “I need you to take it. Use it better than I did. I don’t want anything getting in the way of my dream.”

Why my brother has inspired me so much

This kid is 20 years old. He is young. I know 50 year olds who don’t have the presence of mind or strength of character to recognize their faults and do something about it. Most people are either too self-absorbed or too proud to admit they have a problem. But last night my 20 year old brother gave away a $2000 computer because it was standing in his way. It was preventing him from attaining his goals. And it has inspired me a great deal.

What I respect so much is that fact that he saw a problem and he dealt with it. He was willing to give up something that meant a lot to him because it was feeding an addiction and wasting his time. Most people make excuses for their personal faults and addictions but my brother was able to stand tall and cut it from his life. [Read more…] about How to Recognize Your Personal Faults and Make a Change

Originally posted on February 6, 2009 @ 3:00 am

The Roger Federer Guide to Becoming Great at What You Do

Inspiration, Personal Growth, Spirit

Roger Federer

Roger Federer. Perhaps the greatest tennis player ever to have lived. Watching him play tennis is something similar to what it was like watching Michael Jordan play basketball or what it would have been like to watch Michelangelo paint pictures. When I think of Federer I think of words like discipline, focus, poise, accuracy and finesse. I think of the word champion. In this post I am going to show you how to become great what you do the Roger Federer way.

Why Roger Federer?

Some of you may be asking why I chose to write about Mr. Federer. Well, to put it plainly, the man is amazing! The Australian Open is on at the moment so for the last month I have been privileged enough to watch Roger play in quite a few matches. And every single time I sit down to watch one of his games I am truly inspired to become better at what I do. That is the power of this man’s tennis – his expertise inspires people all around the world to become better.

Who is Rodger Federer?

In case you have been living under a rock, asleep in a coma or lost in the desert for the last ten years I thought I would give you a bit of background into who this man is.

Roger Federer is widely known as the greatest tennis player ever to have lived. He was born in Switzerland and has been ranked number one for a record 237 consecutive weeks. If he wins the Australian Open final next week he will go down as the most successful tennis player of all time, having won more Grand Slam matches than anyone else in history.

Roger is renowned the world over for his cool temperament and his fiery self discipline. The best way to illustrate who this man is to show you a clip of some of his more “Federer-like” moments. Only then will you be able to appreciate the man’s skill and finesse.

The Roger Federer guide to becoming great at what you do

Using the example of our man Federer I would like to show you a few simple but crucial things that you need to do if you want to become great at whatever it is that you do. It doesn’t matter if it is tennis, truck driving, basketball, soccer, meditation or writing – these tips apply to everything.

1. Practice, practice, practice
Of course, the most obvious and the most important. If you do not practice hard you will never become great at anything. All skills take time to improve and it is only with time and practice that you can become great at anything.

I once heard Roger say something very interesting about this. He had just won an important tennis match against and Australian player who had recently been lifting a lot of weights to improve his game. The Australian media had hyped this player up saying that he would “out muscle” Federer with his new-found strength. Federer killed him. When the media asked Federer if he ever lifted weights he just calmly replied, “I just hit tennis balls.”

It is a fantastic lesson and one that we should all take to heart. If you want to be good at what you do you need to “just hit tennis balls”. Practice, practice again and then practice some more. It is the only way.

2. Master your emotions
One of the most admirable things about Roger Federer is the fact that he is a master of his emotions. He very rarely gets angry and as such he is able to keep his cool and win more matches. Back in the days we had kids growing up watching John McEnroe lose his temper and behave like a brat and now we have kids growing up watching the calm and collected Federer. Here is an example of how not to do it:

When you lose your temper you are basically giving in to your weaker side. Everybody would love to get angry and cry and scream when they are frustrated but the true champions like Federer know that this is a weakness. It takes strength to keep your cool and it takes discipline to overcome your negative emotions.

This applies to all areas of life. If you constantly lose your temper you are going to find that you don’t have a lot of resilience and you will not have the energy or mental toughness to progress in your art. Learning to control your emotions is one of the most crucial aspects of becoming good at what you do.

3. Be prepared
Fortune favors the brave but it also favors the prepared. If you want to become great at what you do you need to be prepared. Never expect anything to happen by chance and always give yourself the best shot at success.

Here in Australia we are in one of history’s biggest heatwaves. The temperature has soared above 40 degree Celsius for the past five days and many people are suffering from heat exhaustion. The tennis, however, must go on and the Australian Open has continued despite the heat. Some players have not been able to handle it and have withdrawn from the competition. Not Roger though. Roger came prepared. Even though he is from a relatively cold climate he has been able to stand the pressures of Australia’s climate. How does he do it? Simple, he spends a month before the Australian Open training in Dubai – in the middle of the desert. He prepares for everything.

Always put a solid effort in to your preparation. Study hard and do your research. Find out things about your art that you probably don’t need to know. Talk to people who you might never have talked to. Do things differently in order to be the most prepared that you can be. This is a key to greatness.

4. Never give up
One of the most important things to remember is that you must never give up. Even when it looks as if the odds are impossible you must keep pushing on. This is something Roger Federer does extremely well.

Last week Federer looked as if he was down and out when playing Del Potro. He was two sets down and after two hours of play things looked pretty bad. But in typical Federer style he came back to win the match after being only a few points away from defeat. His steely resolve was incredible. To get on top of your nerves and come back from the brink like that is truly inspiring. It was a great life lesson for everyone who witnessed it.

You must never give up. As long as you are alive you can keep going. This is the most important lessons to take away from this post – never give up if you want to be great.

Conclusion

Greatness is possible for everyone. Each and every human being has it within them to be something or someone special. In truth it takes a lot of hard work, discipline and mental toughness. But, if you can incorporate these things into your “game” as Federer has done you too will rise to great heights.

Originally posted on January 30, 2009 @ 6:31 am