life improvement

How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

Assertiveness is a trait that is usually associated to Westerners. In other parts of the world, say, the East, this trait can be misunderstood as being abrasive, or even rude. It can be a cultural thing, or it can be a personality issue.

But no one should be a doormat just because one doesn’t want to risk offending others!

I am a non-confrontational person, and I am afraid this comes across lacking assertiveness, which is true to a certain degree. However, there are situations when being assertive is necessary.

On the other hand, there is a difference between assertiveness and rudeness (and/or abrasiveness).

In this article, let’s look at how to be assertive, thus avoid being a doormat, and yet not be rude.

Know your core principles.

Knowing who you are and what you believe in is essential in being able to assert yourself when others try to wear you down or bully you. If you yourself are not sure about your core principles, then how can you let others know what you stand for?

If, even right now, you cannot give answers as to what your core principles are, ask yourself some questions.

What matters most to me?
If I had several choices at the moment, which one would I instinctively choose?
What are the best moments of my life that I can think of off the top of my head?
What would I do if I knew I would die tomorrow?

Set clear boundaries.

Knowing your core principles clearly will lead to setting boundaries.

What are boundaries?

Simply put, boundaries are “rules” which you follow in life, saying what you will or won’t allow.

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up. – Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

By setting boundaries, you let others know what you will tolerate and what you won’t. This can be done verbally or through actions. It is best, however, to implement your boundaries so that other people fully understand them.

For example, if you tell your superior that you don’t appreciate how he shouts at you in public and berates you for mistakes that you didn’t do, and that you will file an HR report if he doesn’t stop, then follow up with an action.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

A critical element in being assertive and yet not being rude is to have a degree of understanding of the other party.

While you may not fully grasp what the other person’s situation is, the idea of being kind because you never know what he is going through always applies. Always.

Being assertive does not mean you have to shout your way to getting your point across. It doesn’t mean being condescending, insulting, or defensive. Choose your words carefully. Think before you speak. Watch your body language.

It boils down to one thing: being able to let other people know what you feel and think and that you stand by that.

Conclusion

It may be daunting to think you can stand up to your intimidating boss, your controlling mother, or your manipulative friends, but you can do it by taking small steps. Believe in yourself, and you’ll get there.

Another useful read: 6 Small Steps to Big Benefits for Self Improvement

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Originally posted on August 21, 2015 @ 8:00 am

What’s the FlashForward Concept and How You Can Use It

Back in 2009, my best friend and I started watching this television show called FlashForward. The premise is that an unexplained event took place wherein every person on Earth blacks out, resulting in catastrophies. When people awake, they have a glimpse of their future. As you can imagine, some were good and some were bad.

We were immediately captivated by the story, and not long after, we decided to use the FlashForward concept in our own lives, albeit with a twist. Obviously, we didn’t experience a worldwide black out. What we did was to envision ourselves six months from the present. In essence, we set a specific goal of what we wanted, or where we wanted to be in our lives, six months into the future.

It’s simply setting a goal and taking steps within a set period of time to ensure that you meet it. You can do it any time you want, but since we’re starting a new year, I thought it would be a good time to share the FlashForward concept with you.

Tips to make FlashForward work

Just like with any other endeavor to set and meet goals – like New Year’s resolutions – taking on the FlashForward challenge is not all sugar and spice. I have to admit I have failed more than once. I’ve learned some things to take full advantage of the concept, however, and they might help you as well.

Set a very specific goal.

Goals can sometimes be an abstract concept, but in order to take full advantage of the FlashForward concept, you need to be as specific as possible. You’ll notice that I wrote “a very specific goal”. This is because I find it more effective to choose one to focus on instead of having a bevy of goals. Even if you choose a big goal, you can break it down into bite-sized pieces.

Some examples of specific goals:

To wake up not feeling anxious about the day
To quit smoking (for real)
To have the job that I want
To move to a new condo/apartment

These goals vary in difficulty, but you have a certain period wherein you can take measurable, incremental steps to achieve them.

For the first goal, for example, what steps can you take?

See a psychologist regularly if you need help to figure out why you are anxious the moment you wake up. You then have professional help in weeding out the reasons for your anxiety.
Keep a log of what you look forward to every day. Identify at least one thing that you know will make you feel better every day. Write it down before going to bed, and look at your log as you start your day.

Do it with a partner.

In my case, I started FlashForward with my bestfriend. Every six months, we would set our goal/s and follow up on each other. If you decide to try the FlashForward concept for yourself, find someone who will do it with you.

Why?

One, you’ll be more encouraged since you have someone to talk to about your goal and what you’re doing to achieve it.

Two, you are accountable to someone other than yourself. If you falter or stray, you will have someone to remind you.

Three, you’ll probably get inspiration as to what concrete steps to take to achieve your goal.

Four, and best of all, you’ll have someone to celebrate with when you reach the end of the FlashForward period.

Remind yourself of your goal and ‘due date’ as often as possible.

I mentioned keeping a log of what you do to reach your goals. This is one way of reminding yourself. It doesn’t even have to be every day. You can set the frequency as it suits you. The important thing is that you keep your eyes on the prize.

Wrap up

The FlashForward concept is based on principles that we already know. It’s all about making things more concrete and actually getting what you want within a realistic frame.

What do you think about the FlashForward concept? Want to give it a try?

Originally posted on January 6, 2015 @ 8:40 pm

7 Things to Keep Doing to Make Life Harder

Life is difficult. It is unfair. But it can be beautiful if you want to see through the hardships.

The thing is, I have found that it is so much easier to dwell on the negatives than the positives. Even more so when you realize that that kind of thinking has been the pattern for so many years. Good habits can be a challenge to form, but bad habits are definitely tough to break.

For some people, their lives may not be as bad as they think it is. Sometimes, it’s because they keep on clinging to habits that make life harder – without even realizing it. If you’ve got a moment, why not take the time to go through these seven things that make life harder. Maybe you’re doing them, and you just don’t realize it! [Read more…] about 7 Things to Keep Doing to Make Life Harder

Originally posted on September 2, 2014 @ 9:00 am

What ‘The Matrix’ Is and What We Can Learn From It

Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life … you don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind…

I am sure readers have noticed by now that I have an affinity for The Matrix movie (part 1). My friends and family will confirm I’ve been going on about the underlying philosophy in the movie since it first came out. There are many ways to go about unpacking it: our political system is a matrix, capitalism, religion, or even a computer generated universe named The Lattice (I did not make that up. Scientists have measured cosmic rays to test it). For me though, even if all of that is true – then what would be the source? Where would it all have come from? [Read more…] about What ‘The Matrix’ Is and What We Can Learn From It

Originally posted on February 12, 2014 @ 7:30 am

8 ways to wind down before bedtime

Insomnia is a problem that affects many people and if it’s left unchecked it can go on to affect our health, work and relationships. Indeed sleep deprivation can lead to further problems such as an increased risk of heart disease and diabetes type 2. If you are one of the millions of people around the world who are suffering from a lack of sleep then it’s time to take action.

Sleep experts agree that one of the best ways of tackling insomnia is to get your mind and body into a regular routine each night to prepare it for sleep. Here are some suggestions for how to wind down and prepare for sleep.

Originally posted on August 5, 2013 @ 12:29 pm

How to forgive and let go

We’ve all been hurt by someone else at some point in our lives, but sometimes it’s hard to let go of the resentment and anger that can be caused by someone’s actions towards you.

Resentment can build up and manifest itself as physical and emotional pain. It can cause us to become stressed, anxious and depressed. Holding grudges can even go on to affect our relationships with other people and can cause us to become mistrustful of others. In fact, according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, emotions and physical health are so strongly linked that holding on to resentment and anger can cause the body’s energy to become stagnant, particularly in the liver area.
[Read more…] about How to forgive and let go

Originally posted on July 25, 2013 @ 5:35 pm