life improvement

Paying it forward

I was having one of those grumpy days recently when I’d woken up in a bad mood and was really struggling to think and act positively. I went to the supermarket and as I was queuing up, the person in front of me gestured for me to go before them. I only had a few items and they had a big shop, so this saved me having to wait around. Their kind gesture and friendly, smiley manner really lifted my mood and put a smile back on my face. In fact, it made me want to go and do something nice for someone else.

This encounter reminded me of the concept of “paying it forward,” which is a topic I’ve been meaning to write about for a while.

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Kindness at Christmas

Sometimes at Christmas time we get so caught up in buying presents, decorating the house and stocking up on festive foods that the holiday becomes a stressful and indulgent event. This struck me particularly this year when I read news reports about people’s anger at websites not delivering gifts on time and stores opening on Christmas day to get the sales started early.

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Overcoming Challenges to Meditation

Meditation has its own peculiar challenges, not least of which are the obstacles you encounter going into meditating. Some meditation challenges are tougher to overcome than minor distractions, like the noise outside or thoughts inside your head. They are physical, emotional and mental factors that impede your progress in this spiritual discipline.

If you want to start a regular meditation practice, or are already into it but you feel like quitting, it helps to familiarize yourself with these challenges and obstacles. Knowing what they are is arming yourself with the weapons to overcome them, and reaping the good things that come with daily meditation routine.

5 Meditation challenges and how to overcome them

1. Attachment to the trappings of wealth and fame

An obsessive attachment to possessions, events, and relationships makes you lose the focus that meditation requires. A materialistic mindset is constantly seeking the temporary happiness that the flesh desires, such as fame, wealth, good food, luxury things, and carnal pleasures. It’s one of the meditation challenges that presents difficulty because meditation calls for concentration, clearing the mind of thoughts and surrendering to silence and stillness.

To overcome thoughts and feelings of worldly attachment, you must first accept that it exists, recognize its transitory nature and experience it fully, then banish it from your mind. Conquering your attachment even if only for the time you are in meditation will allow you to go into contemplation, bring you calm and serenity.

2. Negative emotions

Anger, hatred, envy and resentment – all these lead to bitterness. These destructive feelings are directed at people who have hurt you and caused you pain, and you have a burning desire to hurt them back. It’s ironic that in wanting to hurt others, you are hurting yourself more because being angry and envious makes you unhappy, frustrated and bitter. When you meditate in this state of mind, your focus wanders to thoughts of revenge and retaliation, and you have difficulty reining in your brain processes to go back to stillness and silence.

Conquer your hostile feelings by being compassionate and empathetic. Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahmavamso says loving kindness is a way to overcome this obstacle. Loving kindness helps you see the good in the person who has hurt you, helps you understand the story behind their ill will, and enables you to set aside your own resentment and anger, stripping them of the power to hurt you more.

3. Lethargy and sloth

Lethargy as a meditation challenge is both physical and mental, characterized by the body and mind’s unusual lack of energy to do the practice. It can be caused by the feeling that meditating is not doing anything good to you, or by other problems that on its face seem insurmountable. You feel dispirited and lose your enthusiasm to meditate.

You can beat lethargy by looking at meditation from a fresh angle. One is to be patient and not expect instant changes in your life from your meditation practice. The calm and inner peace you seek comes to you in a quiet and subtle manner, so that you may not even notice you already have it. Develop the passion and motivation to meditate and acknowledge the well-being it brings to you.

4. Restlessness of the mind

The mind becomes restless when you give in to the clamor for attention from earthly concerns. The demands from work and the daily activities of living compete to be noticed by you. It’s a struggle to meditate when your mind keeps wandering and worrying. You lose your focus when your thoughts stray, and it takes effort to bring you back to the present. A restless and preoccupied mind brings about stress and anxiety.

When you catch yourself reminiscing or making plans, simply stop and listen to your breathing. Appreciate and be grateful for the simple joys. Contentment helps you get rid of your fault-finding tendencies, which contributes to an agitated state. Meditation quiets the restless mind. These attributes will let you see things more clearly and help control your worries and restlessness.

5. Doubt, skepticism, lack of trust

You’re unsure about your ability to successfully meditate. You are stuck in analyzing the methods of meditating. You’re skeptical of its benefits, or you’re too jaded to believe that meditation can bring you into a tranquil state. All these questions and uncertainties are meditation challenges that hinder you from maintaining the practice of meditation.

Instead of trying to achieve perfection in the meditation techniques or anticipating the benefits that the discipline gives, put your trust in simplicity, silence and stillness. Meditation doesn’t need goals. It only needs your awareness of the present, and the benefits will follow without fail.

How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

Assertiveness is a trait that is usually associated to Westerners. In other parts of the world, say, the East, this trait can be misunderstood as being abrasive, or even rude. It can be a cultural thing, or it can be a personality issue.

But no one should be a doormat just because one doesn’t want to risk offending others!

I am a non-confrontational person, and I am afraid this comes across lacking assertiveness, which is true to a certain degree. However, there are situations when being assertive is necessary.

On the other hand, there is a difference between assertiveness and rudeness (and/or abrasiveness).

In this article, let’s look at how to be assertive, thus avoid being a doormat, and yet not be rude.

Know your core principles.

Knowing who you are and what you believe in is essential in being able to assert yourself when others try to wear you down or bully you. If you yourself are not sure about your core principles, then how can you let others know what you stand for?

If, even right now, you cannot give answers as to what your core principles are, ask yourself some questions.

What matters most to me?
If I had several choices at the moment, which one would I instinctively choose?
What are the best moments of my life that I can think of off the top of my head?
What would I do if I knew I would die tomorrow?

Set clear boundaries.

Knowing your core principles clearly will lead to setting boundaries.

What are boundaries?

Simply put, boundaries are “rules” which you follow in life, saying what you will or won’t allow.

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up. – Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

By setting boundaries, you let others know what you will tolerate and what you won’t. This can be done verbally or through actions. It is best, however, to implement your boundaries so that other people fully understand them.

For example, if you tell your superior that you don’t appreciate how he shouts at you in public and berates you for mistakes that you didn’t do, and that you will file an HR report if he doesn’t stop, then follow up with an action.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

A critical element in being assertive and yet not being rude is to have a degree of understanding of the other party.

While you may not fully grasp what the other person’s situation is, the idea of being kind because you never know what he is going through always applies. Always.

Being assertive does not mean you have to shout your way to getting your point across. It doesn’t mean being condescending, insulting, or defensive. Choose your words carefully. Think before you speak. Watch your body language.

It boils down to one thing: being able to let other people know what you feel and think and that you stand by that.

Conclusion

It may be daunting to think you can stand up to your intimidating boss, your controlling mother, or your manipulative friends, but you can do it by taking small steps. Believe in yourself, and you’ll get there.

Another useful read: 6 Small Steps to Big Benefits for Self Improvement

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What’s the FlashForward Concept and How You Can Use It

Back in 2009, my best friend and I started watching this television show called FlashForward. The premise is that an unexplained event took place wherein every person on Earth blacks out, resulting in catastrophies. When people awake, they have a glimpse of their future. As you can imagine, some were good and some were bad.

We were immediately captivated by the story, and not long after, we decided to use the FlashForward concept in our own lives, albeit with a twist. Obviously, we didn’t experience a worldwide black out. What we did was to envision ourselves six months from the present. In essence, we set a specific goal of what we wanted, or where we wanted to be in our lives, six months into the future.

It’s simply setting a goal and taking steps within a set period of time to ensure that you meet it. You can do it any time you want, but since we’re starting a new year, I thought it would be a good time to share the FlashForward concept with you.

Tips to make FlashForward work

Just like with any other endeavor to set and meet goals – like New Year’s resolutions – taking on the FlashForward challenge is not all sugar and spice. I have to admit I have failed more than once. I’ve learned some things to take full advantage of the concept, however, and they might help you as well.

Set a very specific goal.

Goals can sometimes be an abstract concept, but in order to take full advantage of the FlashForward concept, you need to be as specific as possible. You’ll notice that I wrote “a very specific goal”. This is because I find it more effective to choose one to focus on instead of having a bevy of goals. Even if you choose a big goal, you can break it down into bite-sized pieces.

Some examples of specific goals:

To wake up not feeling anxious about the day
To quit smoking (for real)
To have the job that I want
To move to a new condo/apartment

These goals vary in difficulty, but you have a certain period wherein you can take measurable, incremental steps to achieve them.

For the first goal, for example, what steps can you take?

See a psychologist regularly if you need help to figure out why you are anxious the moment you wake up. You then have professional help in weeding out the reasons for your anxiety.
Keep a log of what you look forward to every day. Identify at least one thing that you know will make you feel better every day. Write it down before going to bed, and look at your log as you start your day.

Do it with a partner.

In my case, I started FlashForward with my bestfriend. Every six months, we would set our goal/s and follow up on each other. If you decide to try the FlashForward concept for yourself, find someone who will do it with you.

Why?

One, you’ll be more encouraged since you have someone to talk to about your goal and what you’re doing to achieve it.

Two, you are accountable to someone other than yourself. If you falter or stray, you will have someone to remind you.

Three, you’ll probably get inspiration as to what concrete steps to take to achieve your goal.

Four, and best of all, you’ll have someone to celebrate with when you reach the end of the FlashForward period.

Remind yourself of your goal and ‘due date’ as often as possible.

I mentioned keeping a log of what you do to reach your goals. This is one way of reminding yourself. It doesn’t even have to be every day. You can set the frequency as it suits you. The important thing is that you keep your eyes on the prize.

Wrap up

The FlashForward concept is based on principles that we already know. It’s all about making things more concrete and actually getting what you want within a realistic frame.

What do you think about the FlashForward concept? Want to give it a try?

7 Things to Keep Doing to Make Life Harder

Life is difficult. It is unfair. But it can be beautiful if you want to see through the hardships.

The thing is, I have found that it is so much easier to dwell on the negatives than the positives. Even more so when you realize that that kind of thinking has been the pattern for so many years. Good habits can be a challenge to form, but bad habits are definitely tough to break.

For some people, their lives may not be as bad as they think it is. Sometimes, it’s because they keep on clinging to habits that make life harder – without even realizing it. If you’ve got a moment, why not take the time to go through these seven things that make life harder. Maybe you’re doing them, and you just don’t realize it! [Read more…] about 7 Things to Keep Doing to Make Life Harder