Using Meditation and Mindfulness to Deal With the Aftermath of Divorce

With divorce comes the inevitable jumble of emotions that you can’t seem to sort out. From the moment the topic of divorce is brought up, the emotions start raging. When you and your spouse start the process with a divorce lawyer – and all throughout the proceedings – everything will even become more tangled; and after everything’s said and done, those emotions will continue ebb and flow.

It may even seem that you can’t see yourself getting back up, much less being happy again.

You will keep analyzing, overthinking, and in all likelihood live a disrupted life that just doesn’t make sense to you. This will result in a feeling of being overwhelmed.

“I’m going to try anything to feel better.”

That’s a mindset that can go either way. You may find yourself going out every night to forget, and to tire yourself out so that when you come home, you just crash.

On the other hand, you may want to try this suggestion: look to meditation and mindfulness to deal with the aftermath of your divorce.

How exactly do you do this?

The essence of mindfulness is consciously choosing how to think and act. Consciously being the operative word.

In the context of divorce, here are some concrete steps to take.

1. Make a decision.

With all the emotional turmoil you are experiencing, how can you expect yourself to make a sensible decision? I’m telling you now, you will probably make a wrong turn or two, but one decision that will definitely be right is this: To take steps to see things from a different perspective, and believe that you WILL be better at some point.

That is a very broad statement, to be sure, but it is a start. Once you have made that decision to start sorting out your ragged emotional state, you can proceed to even more concrete actions that will ease the aftermath of divorce.

2. Start a meditation routine.

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If you’ve got experience in meditation, then it should be a bit easier for you. You know how to calm yourself down and center yourself during those panicky moments when you feel overwhelmed.

If you’re new to meditation, start slowly.

First, begin your day by meditating. Don’t rush around to get things done. Instead, set aside a bit of time to gather your thoughts, calm yourself, and get ready for the day. Start in small increments – 5 minutes is enough.

Here is a good step-by-step guide for people who do not meditate.

Meditating doesn’t have to be limited to the start of the day. The chances are that you will feel those emotions rage in the middle of day, especially when you don’t expect it. When this happens, if you can find a quiet spot to meditate – even if only for 5-10 minutes – then do so.

3. Live by the day, even by the hour.

Sometimes, it’s by the minute. When my husband left me, often, I didn’t even know what I was going to eat for dinner – if I was going to eat at all. When I started to think about the next day, or anything further than that, I would get panic attacks so bad that I thought I would suffocate.

Then I realized that the only way to handle it was to take it slow. Just do what you can for the day. If that’s too much, do what you have to for the next hour. Once that’s done, go on to the next hour, and so on.

On bad days, that span of time could be by the minute!

My mantra back then was:

First do what you have to do,

then do what you are able to do.

Pretty soon, you’ll be doing what you want to do.

It wasn’t easy. It took a while. But being more aware of what I did each minute, each hour, and each day helped me get through the most difficult time of my life.

Remember: Meditation and mindfulness can ease the burden of a divorce or separation.

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How to Become a Better Husband, Boyfriend or Life Partner
How to Become a Better Wife, Girlfriend, or Life Partner

Originally posted on February 20, 2015 @ 8:30 am

How Mindfulness Can Save Your Life – Literally

Mindfulness is an oft-talked about topic in the area of health and wellness. The premise of mindfulness is making an effort to be constantly aware of your present experiences.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, describes the concept succinctly:

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and
non-judgmentally.”

Paying particular attention on purpose can lead to many benefits, and usually, happiness and content are highlighted; but have you ever thought that mindfulness can literally save your life? It may not be the usual idea that comes to mind, but let’s take a look at how being mindful can help in this regard.

Mindfulness can save your life

Paying attention to your surroundings

How many people have been involved in a stupid accident because of lack of attention? Think of the drivers who get into road accidents because of a wandering mind or doing something else. They don’t pay attention to road signs, other motorists, and pedestrians. They can end up hurting themselves and/or others, usually even having to consult a personal injury lawyer to sort things out.

On the other hand, if you are purposefully aware of what’s happening at the moment, you can avoid useless negative experiences. For example, when crossing the street, totally pay attention to what you’re doing and your surroundings.

When you are making dinner, you know you’re doing something, but you find your mind wandering. You can just imagine all the potential disastrous things that can happen because of this.

Mindfulness is catching yourself when your attention wanders and bringing your mind back to the task at hand.

Practicing harmlessness

Harmful actions range from physical to verbal to emotional. When you’re irritable or angry, your instinct may be to respond negatively – shouting, hitting, or emotional manipulation. If you practice mindfulness, however, you can control your responses.

You intentionally stop your instinctive actions, and think about the situation first. You are in control of what you do or say, which can then lead to not harming yourself or others.

Being more relaxed and appreciative

Stress has been called the “silent killer” because it is considered to be a part of life, but its adverse effects on health may not immediately be critical. However, studies have shown that stress at work has caused illnesses as well as mental fatigues. Take a look at this infographic about how continuous stress can kill you.

Source

On the other hand, being mindful can help you become more relaxed and appreciative of what you have. Understanding what is happening at each moment helps you gain a better perspective, which can reduce the effects of stress.

How to practice mindfulness

The theory is rather simple, isn’t it? Make an effort to always be aware of the present. Analyze, appreciate, and act on the situation with control.

Application may not always be that easy, but you can start with small things. A few examples:

When you’re in the shower, instead of thinking of dreading the daily traffic-heavy commute, why not just enjoy the feel of the water cascading down on you? Enjoy the scent of your body wash. You’ll come out more relaxed and ready to face the drive to work.
When taking your lunch break, instead of rushing through a sandwich at your desk, why not step out and enjoy your free time at a cafe or at the park? It may only be half an hour to an hour, but appreciating the taste of your food, the out-of-the-office environment will do you a world of good.
At bedtime, instead of lying in bed letting your thoughts run rampant – there’s so much to do tomorrow, the bills are due and I don’t know how I’m going to make ends meet, etc. – pay attention to the comfort of your bed. Light some scented candles and let the aroma wash over you.

Mindfulness is a habit, and just like any other habits, you will need some effort and time before it becomes second nature. Why not start developing this habit now and save your life?

Here are some Tools to Develop Mindfulness

Originally posted on February 5, 2015 @ 9:00 am

10 Things to Do Before You Unleash Your Anger to the World

Anger is a very dangerous thing. When you’re angry, you make the whole world know about it through actions. By expressing your anger, you are able to act upon this negative emotion, thus ridding yourself from bad feelings in the process.

On the downside, the consequences of your actions while you’re angry may cause irreparable damage to yourself and your relationship with others.

It is so easy to do something rash and illogical when you’re angry because you may use it as an excuse to explain your actions, allowing you to recompense people you have done wrong. However, anger is never an excuse. You have the ability to manage and defuse your anger. Instead, you decided to act upon it without thinking of the harm you’re doing. By the time you realize this, it might be too late to ask for forgiveness and make amends.

Therefore, before letting anger take hold of you, restrain yourself from doing anything until you’ve done the following first:

1. Get out from the place that’s making you angry

If you’re with company or in an environment that triggered your anger, find a way to excuse yourself politely from the situation and retreat to a place where you can find comfort and peace of mind.

2. Calm yourself down

Focusing on taking deep breaths work best to help you compose yourself. Another method to soothe yourself is to count from one to 10 and back. If you want to do other ways on to get your act together, read “Angry? Tips to Calm Down on the Spot.”

3. Identify the source of anger

Trace back to the events that led to you getting angry. Rationalize how these instances made you angry. From here, you can also determine if your anger has been misplaced because you simply misunderstood something.

4. Come up with a solution

Once you have determined the cause of your anger, it’s time to find a reasonable way of acting upon it. Putting your thinking caps on during these times places back logic in the driver’s seat and your emotions in the back burner. This way, it allows you to clear your head and make rational decisions from this point on.

5. Talk to someone

If you can’t find a solution to your anger, find someone that you trust and talk your feelings and thoughts over with them. Since they have a much better perspective of the entire situation – once you’ve walked them through it – they can provide you with more actionable ways of addressing your situation.

6. Create a platform to discuss your anger

Confront the issue that is causing you to be angry. If it’s a person, find a way to create dialogue and talk about how he or she has done you wrong. If it’s an event, articulate your emotions in your journal or blog.

7. Make your anger exclusive to yourself

When talking to someone who has caused your anger, address your negative emotions by starting every sentence with, “I feel…” This way, you don’t make the person feel like you’re attacking them.

8. Keep cool!

It is possible that dealing with the situation head on can fuel your anger even more, especially if the situation escalates. If you feel you are on the verge of losing it, don’t. If necessary, repeat the first tip of this list and start all over again.

9. Forgive

Once your anger issues have been resolved, find in your heart to not only forgive the cause of your anger, but also yourself for almost letting your emotion get the best of you.

10. Be happy!

Move on from anger and onto greater things. Focus on your dreams and aspirations, as well as doing the things you love for the people you care about. More important, keep a positive disposition at all times so you can move on from your anger much easier.

Once you’ve done everything above, you can guarantee that your anger has dissipated and the only thing you’ll unleash is goodwill and great joy to all!

Originally posted on November 24, 2014 @ 7:00 am

5 Incorrect Assumptions You Make When You’re Angry

I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but anger is a serious issue in our society today. Teens and adults alike suffer from anger management problems. Back in 2012 alone, a study found that 6 million teens in the US were affected with intermittent explosive disorder. Imagine if those teens didn’t get help! How would their lives be as adults?

The average person gets angry from time to time. That’s normal. It’s the frequency, the nature of the reaction, and how the person thinks when angry that makes the difference between “normal” anger and anger problems. [Read more…] about 5 Incorrect Assumptions You Make When You’re Angry

Originally posted on August 26, 2014 @ 9:37 am

On Humblebragging: How to Spot It and How to Stop Yourself From Doing It

What is humblebragging?

“I’m so busy at work that I’ve only had 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days.”

“Don’t you hate it when you can’t find enough lightning cables to charge your iOS devices?”

“When I bought this 75-inch TV and sound setup, I certainly didn’t want my neighbors complaining about the noise.”

Do those sound familiar? While you may not have heard the exact same statements, you might recognize the tone and perceived intent behind them. We see them on Facebook and other social media platforms all the time. We hear our colleagues and friends say similar things. [Read more…] about On Humblebragging: How to Spot It and How to Stop Yourself From Doing It

Originally posted on August 12, 2014 @ 8:29 am

Learn How To Go With The Flow

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” Lao Tzu

There is a popular saying that what we resist persists. But what does it really mean? The suggestion is to learn to go with the daily ebb and flow of life. Whatever you put your energy on is what will continue. Instead of resisting, we should go with it, accept it as part of the process. [Read more…] about Learn How To Go With The Flow

Originally posted on May 20, 2014 @ 9:00 am