How to Handle Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

It’s a rare couple who hasn’t had at least one serious altercation in the course of their relationship. But when battles royale become the norm rather than the exception, it’s time to do something about it.

Difficult conversations take their toll on the psychological and physical health of the persons involved. The resultant stress leads to a chronic state of anxiety or depression. It can also affect the body’s immune system, increasing the risk for high blood pressure, allergies, sleep disturbance, overproduction of gastric acids and other diseases.

Not knowing how to handle difficult conversations can ruin a marriage — Unhappy marriage – Vision and scenes of Hell! Roger Price 16 Dec 2008

So how do you handle thorny issues that are likely to develop into heated arguments? It’s not easy. Unfortunately, human beings are like most animals. They respond to potential danger by defending themselves. But you can learn how to handle difficult conversations with your partner so that you reach a resolution that is equally acceptable and will enhance your relationship instead of destroying it.

First, you have to understand that there are three components which make a conversation difficult:

Conflicting opinions

You think your partner is too cozy with a workmate of the opposite sex. Your partner says it’s just a normal friendship.

Strong emotions

You get insanely jealous and your partner gets angry because he thinks you are being unreasonable.

High stakes

The impact of the issue is significant on the quality of your relationship. You can both talk about the issue and resolve it or your union can deteriorate.

Yet, these elements alone do not break up a marriage. Studies have shown that it’s the manner of arguing that causes splits. The insults and criticisms, the suffering in silence and the mutual contempt that follows lead to the eventual separation.

Here are the tools you can learn for handling difficult conversations and maybe saving your marriage.

1. Focus on what you hope to get out of the conversation.

In the example above, you want to clear up an issue that’s been bothering you. When talking about it:

Don’t put the blame on your partner. If your partner reacts with anger to your observation about his closeness with an officemate, examine your own approach to the matter. Was there finger pointing and was your tone accusatory?

Listen to his side of the story. Open your mind to what he is saying; then state your own views without disrespecting his.

Find a middle ground. It doesn’t have to be a black or white thing, a do or don’t choice. The goal is not for one person to win but to find a resolution satisfying to both of you.

2. Learn to recognize when the conversation is approaching the difficult level.

Talks don’t start out as arguments immediately. It’s the manner of speaking that can turn a civilized dialogue into name-calling and abusive language. When these happen, it’s time to step back before the environment becomes hopelessly hostile.

3. Step back, create a safe environment, go back in.

When either partner feels unsafe in a conversation, emotions step in. Fear, anger and hurt cloud objectivity and it is almost impossible to reach a level where both of you can talk in a non-offensive manner.

Violence and silence are signs that the feeling of safety is absent in a dialogue. A partner becomes silent to avoid further confrontation and a temporary artificial peace is achieved. Violence is forcing the spouse to accept the other’s point of view and is achieved through controlling (cutting in the conversation,) tagging the other into a category and attacking by threats and derogatory remarks.

Regain the safe atmosphere before resuming the talk. This entails apologizing if or when it is appropriate and explaining that your actions weren’t meant to hurt or offend.

4. Create a mutual goal.

It’s hard to do when you are heading in opposite directions. But it can be done. If you can’t agree on which purpose to adopt, make a new one that is mutually acceptable.

How to Let Go of Ego in Relationships

Last week, we talked about how ego can be harming your relationships. You may not be aware of it, but your ego may be getting in the way – or worse, actively destroying your relationships.

Hopefully, the preceding post has helped you in evaluating your relationships and whether your ego is getting in the way.

Today, let’s look at how to let go of ego in relationships and consequently improve them.

Understand your true self.

At the bottom of letting go of or controlling your ego is knowing your true self. What do you love most about yourself? What do you value most?

This is not easy and will take some time, but learn to understand and know your self-worth. Identify your core values and your goals.

Don’t let others get in the way of that, and you’ll realize that your ego need not be destructful.

Remember that you don’t have to be always right.

It’s okay to be wrong. No one is perfect.

Understanding your true self will help you realize that you cannot be right in every situation. There will always be situations where you make a wrong call, have a wrong attitude, or simply on the wrong side. Learn to discern these situations, and don’t be afraid to admit that you are wrong.

It might be difficult in the beginning, but being able to admit when you’re wrong gives a sense of freedom.

Overcome the need to be better than everyone else.

An ego out of control leads you to think that you are better than everyone else. That you are superior in every way.

Just like remembering that you don’t have to be right all the time, understand that your need to be superior to everyone around you does not have to be.

There will always be someone better, more beautiful, smarter, faster. From infanthood to adulthood, this has always been the case.

The sooner you realize that you cannot – and should not feel obligated to – be better than others, the sooner you can mend and improve your relationships.

Instead of competing with others in this way, why not think of making yourself better instead? Focus on how you can improve yourself, and your relationships will fall into place.

Practice tolerance and determine not to be easily offended.

A huge ego is easily offended, which can easily lead to arguments and even a falling out. In order to let go of your ego, you have to consciously practice tolerance and make it a point to make “being offended” the last thing on your mind.

This does not mean that you put aside your sense of self-worth. Instead, it is creating a mindset that people may be different from you and have different ways of expressing themselves. It is NOT thinking that everyone is out to get you or insult you. It is truly knowing what and who you are.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." – Eleanor Roosevelt Click To Tweet

Practice contentment.

Just as you can set your mind to being more tolerant and not being offended easily, you can set your mind to being content with what you have. Having this mindset can help you cover all of the points above. Knowing that you have what you need – and that most other things are superfluous – will help you be more open to what others have to say and understand how they behave.

Your turn

How has your ego been harming you and your relationships? Do you think the points above can help you let go of your ego? What are other things you can do to let go of your ego?

Is Your Ego Harming Your Relationships?

We’ve all learned about the ego at some point in our education. Even informal education always touches upon the ego. Movies, books, TV shows, and conversations with others – these all bring up the topic of the ego at one point or another.

But what exactly is the ego?

The ego is our identity, an identity that we create ourselves. Taking into account all of our beliefs regarding our personality, capabilities, talents, failures, incapabilities, etc. makes up our ego.

As such, the ego is considered to be a false identity. It does not truly define who and what we are.

While it does play a role, it can be harmful in many ways. In this post, we’ll take a look at a specific aspect of life and how your ego may be harming it.

How your ego can be harming your relationships

If your ego gets too big, out of control, then it certainly will do your relationships no good. Whether it’s your relationship with your life partner, with your parents or siblings, with your friends, or with your colleagues, it doesn’t matter.

The result will be a falling out unless you make some changes.

Read the following ideas, and take a long hard look at yourself and your relationships.

1. You don’t recognize when you’re wrong.

There is something about the ego that makes you think that you are beyond reproach. That you are perfect. You might not admit that to others. You might even often say that you’re not perfect, but deep inside, you may be thinking quite the opposite.

If this is how you see yourself, you will never realize it when you are wrong, much less admit it. Can you imagine your relationships working out if you’re always right, and it’s always the others’ fault?

2. You see yourself as better than others.

Thinking that you are perfect leads to another idea: you are better than everyone else around you.

The situation is similar to the previous point. You may never admit that you think you are better than your friends – and everyone else, for that matter – but you are probably thinking that in your head. You think you know more about everything than others.

Even if you don’t consciously verbally express this opinion, your body language and tone when speaking will ultimately reveal the ego at its worst.

You will come across as having lack of respect for others. You will sound condescending. And yes, this will harm your relationships.

3. You don’t listen.

If you think you are always right and that you are better than other people, then the chances are you don’t really listen to what others are saying.

For example, if you and your partner are having a discussion, it may be that you are only listening for the sake of replying and not to understand at all. After all, you know you’re right and he/she isn’t, yes?

While you continue living in your own world, you’re irritating, isolating, and pushing away the people around you by not listening to what they have to say.

4. You take what you have for granted.

With a big ego comes the idea of “I am the important one.” This can easily lead to disregarding people who care for you and whom you care for. While you may not intentionally want to harm your relationships, you probably take them for granted.

They’re there for you when you need help. Of course they should be there! After all, you’re that important to them, right?

They need a small favor from you. How dare they be upset if you can’t do it? You are a very busy person, don’t they understand that?

Reflection

Now pause for a while, and think about the above four points. Do they apply to you? Be totally honest with yourself.

If at least one does apply, it is time to make changes. That is, if you want to keep your relationships intact.

In the next post, we will talk about how to let go of your ego, so stay tuned.

When Relationships End…Badly

When people enter a relationship, they don’t think about it ending. When everything seems right (at that time), partners may even think about spending the rest of their lives together.

The reality, however, is that not all relationships have happy endings; and relationships can be hard. In a previous post, Why Are Relationships So Hard?, Luciana shared a quote:

“In order to have a satisfying love relationship, both partners need to draw their energy back into the relationship. It is very difficult to identify what is wrong with a relationship if the participants keep themselves distant and distracted. Even more important, two intimate partners cannot reconnect with each other until they are physically and emotionally available.” – Harvelle Hendrix, Getting The Love You Want

This is probably the key to a successful relationship, but what if your relationship is one of those that end…badly? [Read more…] about When Relationships End…Badly

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Relationships are hard work, but I believe the short answer is: Because both people have to be willing to do the work it takes to heal themselves through loving the other the way they need to be loved.

11 Quotes for Tough Times in Your Relationship

Source

Being in a relationship is a wonderful thing, as we were made to be social. Even the most introverted person yearns for a connection, only the intensity and frequency varies. As Margaret Mead said, “Having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night is a very old human need.”

There is, however, the universally known fact that relationships can be a strain at times. Even the best matched couples in the world can go through rough patches.

Perhaps one of the trickiest things to decide on is whether a couple is going through a rough patch or it really is the end of the road for them. [Read more…] about 11 Quotes for Tough Times in Your Relationship