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How to Handle Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

It’s a rare couple who hasn’t had at least one serious altercation in the course of their relationship. But when battles royale become the norm rather than the exception, it’s time to do something about it.

Difficult conversations take their toll on the psychological and physical health of the persons involved. The resultant stress leads to a chronic state of anxiety or depression. It can also affect the body’s immune system, increasing the risk for high blood pressure, allergies, sleep disturbance, overproduction of gastric acids and other diseases.

Not knowing how to handle difficult conversations can ruin a marriage
Unhappy marriage – Vision and scenes of Hell! Roger Price 16 Dec 2008

So how do you handle thorny issues that are likely to develop into heated arguments? It’s not easy. Unfortunately, human beings are like most animals. They respond to potential danger by defending themselves. But you can learn how to handle difficult conversations with your partner so that you reach a resolution that is equally acceptable and will enhance your relationship instead of destroying it.

First, you have to understand that there are three components which make a conversation difficult:

  •  Conflicting opinions

You think your partner is too cozy with a workmate of the opposite sex. Your partner says it’s just a normal friendship.

  •  Strong emotions

You get insanely jealous and your partner gets angry because he thinks you are being unreasonable.

  •  High stakes

The impact of the issue is significant on the quality of your relationship. You can both talk about the issue and resolve it or your union can deteriorate.

Yet, these elements alone do not break up a marriage. Studies have shown that it’s the manner of arguing that causes splits. The insults and criticisms, the suffering in silence and the mutual contempt that follows lead to the eventual separation.

Here are the tools you can learn for handling difficult conversations and maybe saving your marriage.

1. Focus on what you hope to get out of the conversation.

In the example above, you want to clear up an issue that’s been bothering you. When talking about it:

Don’t put the blame on your partner. If your partner reacts with anger to your observation about his closeness with an officemate, examine your own approach to the matter. Was there finger pointing and was your tone accusatory?

Listen to his side of the story. Open your mind to what he is saying; then state your own views without disrespecting his.

Find a middle ground. It doesn’t have to be a black or white thing, a do or don’t choice. The goal is not for one person to win but to find a resolution satisfying to both of you.

2. Learn to recognize when the conversation is approaching the difficult level.

Talks don’t start out as arguments immediately. It’s the manner of speaking that can turn a civilized dialogue into name-calling and abusive language. When these happen, it’s time to step back before the environment becomes hopelessly hostile.

3. Step back, create a safe environment, go back in.

When either partner feels unsafe in a conversation, emotions step in. Fear, anger and hurt cloud objectivity and it is almost impossible to reach a level where both of you can talk in a non-offensive manner.

Violence and silence are signs that the feeling of safety is absent in a dialogue. A partner becomes silent to avoid further confrontation and a temporary artificial peace is achieved. Violence is forcing the spouse to accept the other’s point of view and is achieved through controlling (cutting in the conversation,) tagging the other into a category and attacking by threats and derogatory remarks.

Regain the safe atmosphere before resuming the talk. This entails apologizing if or when it is appropriate and explaining that your actions weren’t meant to hurt or offend.

4. Create a mutual goal.

It’s hard to do when you are heading in opposite directions. But it can be done. If you can’t agree on which purpose to adopt, make a new one that is mutually acceptable.

You might also like: 5 Things To Tell Yourself To Be Happy

Originally posted on March 26, 2015 @ 10:46 pm

Ethical Dilemma: Would You Turn In a Loved One Who Has Committed a Crime?

We’ve had several “ethical dilemma” posts here on The Daily Mind, and we hope you find them as thought-provoking as we do.

While we haven’t done them on a regular basis, here’s one for the week.

The good son

Your teenage son can be described as a “good boy”. He does well in school. He has a group of friends all of whom you know. He does get into harmless mischief now and then (boys will be boys), but he is obedient and has a good heart.

One night, he gets mixed up with the wrong sort and has too much to drink. Due to peer pressure, he drives home under the influence of alcohol, which on its own is a punishable offense. On the way, he hits a pedestrian on a late-night jog. Your son panics, and since there is no one around to see what happened, he drives away, straight home.

He tells you what happened. Now, what do you do?

ethical dilemma

You have three options.

1. Do you decide to turn him in, have him face the consequences of his actions, and immediately get hold of a criminal lawyer?

2. Do you decide to think things over? Maybe find out more details, like who the victim as and how he/she fared? If he/she was not hurt too badly, would you try to settle out of court?

3. Do you decide to forget it ever happened? After all, your son has always been a decent kid. This one mistake should not compromise his future in any way. No one saw what happened that night. No one else needs to know what happened. It will be a secret everyone in the family will take to the grave.

You’ll notice that in providing those three options above, we didn’t take into consideration what your son has to say about the whole thing.

Now, considering that he is at the center of the whole thing, let’s take a look at two situations.

1. He wants to face the music and turn himself in. What do you do then? Will you try to convince him otherwise? Will you give him a pat on the back for doing a difficult thing?

2. He wants you to keep everything a secret. What do you do? Will you convince him to “do the right thing” and take responsibility for his actions? Will you agree with him, and keep your mouth shut?

Your turn!

The details may very well be different, but the bottomline is that a close family member has committed a crime. What would you do?

We’re interested in your thoughts. Share them with us in the comments!

Note: Needless to say, this is a hypothetical situation. Any similarities to any individual or real-life scenario are purely coincidental.

Other ethical dilemma posts:
Would You Say Something?
If Your Neighbor Has Domestic Violence Problems, Would You Report It?

Featured image source

Originally posted on March 9, 2015 @ 8:30 am

How to Become a Better Wife, Girlfriend, or Life Partner

Way back, we had an article titled “How to Become a Better Husband, Boyfriend or Life Partner“. While it was written a long time ago, the concepts still apply; and since it was targeted at men, let’s look at things from the other perspective: that of a woman’s.

Whether your relationship is in excellent condition, or you are going through a rough patch, there is always some way you can become a better wife, girlfriend, or life partner.

As our previous article states, this piece is not all that authoritative, but it is the result of experience – trial and error, sometimes fumbling in the dark to find solutions, and learning the hard way. It certainly does not cover even 1 percent of the topic, but here are some ways you can become a better life partner.

1. Listen to understand and not merely to reply.

better wife girlfriend

When your partner tells you something – whether it’s a story about work or a random topic – do you listen with the main intention of having something to say back? Do you tend to reply before he finishes what he’s saying? This is not all that uncommon, even among people who are not partners. In this fast-paced life, the tendency to listen to merely have a reply is becoming more and more common.

If you want to really connect with your partner and show him that you care about him – in every aspect – try really listening. Don’t focus on what you will say after he talks. Just listen. The reply will come naturally.

On another note, when conversing with your partner, it can be rather easy to get lost in your own thoughts, especially if you have a lot on your plate. Go back to the previous paragraph: listen.

2. Share what you’re thinking, and don’t drop hints.

At the risk of stereotyping, women are supposed to love dropping hints and not saying what we mean; and men are supposed to be dense when it comes to hints. While it’s not the case for every couple, it does happen even to the best of relationships.

Examine how you share your thoughts and feelings. Do you keep those thoughts and feelings to yourself? When you want something, do you drop hints instead of clearly saying what you want?

If you want to become a better wife or girlfriend, help your partner out by speaking out. No one’s a mind reader after all.

3. Consciously set aside time for meaningful moments together.

Whether you stay at home or you have a busy career, if you have a lot of things to do, you may get caught up in the busyness of it all. I’ve found that this has been the most difficult thing for me. I tend to focus on work, prioritize it most of the time, relying on the excuse idea that I have to make a living after all.

Related: 10 Ways to Become a Better Son or Daughter

If you want to be a better partner and have a healthy relationship, you will need to consciously carve out time in your busy schedule and spend this time with your partner. It doesn’t have to be a big deal like going on a lavish trip (though this is good, too). Spending the evening together watching a movie or even just sitting beside each on the sofa, reading and chatting is an excellent example. The important thing is that you spend time together without work – or other concerns – taking priority.

4. Give your partner space when he needs it.

better wife girlfriend

Every person, gender aside, needs alone time now and then. Some just need it more than others. When your partner says he needs space, give it to him. It may not be in your nature to do so, but by doing so, you’re being a better partner.

Needing space may come in different forms. He may have a man cave he holes up in. He may want to go out with friends. Whatever it is, try to let him go during these moments.

5. Don’t be an enabler.

Being a better wife or girlfriend is not always giving your partner what he wants, or taking his needs/expectations into consideration. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down and give your partner a good talking to.

This is especially applicable in relationships where the husband or boyfriend has habits that are unhealthy or detrimental to himself – or to the relationship. In this case, do not enable your partner. Talk to him and explain why you are doing what you are doing even if he may not like it. Even if it hurts you, too, learn to say no. Both of you will be better off for it in the long run.

6. Take good care of yourself.

You’re human. You cannot keep on giving without receiving and replenishing your energy (and emotional) reserves. As such, becoming a better wife or girlfriend involves taking good care of yourself, too. This encompasses both physical, emotional, and mental aspects. If you’re doing well in these areas, then you’ll be a happier person, and thus be a better partner.

What other things do you do to become a better wife or girlfriend? Do you do these because you want to, or because you feel you have to?

More on relationships:

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

10 Quotes for a Healthy Relationship

Originally posted on January 20, 2015 @ 9:00 am

4 Ways to Celebrate Christmas Differently

The Christmas fever can hardly be ignored, with every commercial establishment playing Christmas songs and flaunting decor all over the place. From Santa to fake snow to Christmas sales – no one can escape the Christmas “spirit”.

But what does Christmas really mean to you? What do you do during this period?

For many, Christmas is the time to get together with family to reconnect over a special meal. There are also the numerous Christmas parties people go to, whether for business or social purposes. With these traditions come gift-giving, the idea of being generous to one another.

While Christmas is traditionally considered a religious holiday, over time, it has taken on a secular aspect as well. Yet no matter how you approach Christmas, you probably have your own traditional activities to celebrate the season.

My challenge to you is to celebrate Christmas differently this year.

Volunteer

celebrate christmas differently
There are many charities that need volunteers during this period. While the idea that suicide rates go up during Christmas has been debunked, there is still proof that there is such a thing as holiday depression. Whether you are the one experiencing this, or you can help others who are in the throes of holiday depression, why not considering offering your time to a local charity? Try the Salvation Army for starters. You can also check your local hospitals and homes for the elderly if they need volunteers for the season.

Give gifts to the homeless

Chances are that you see at least one homeless person on your way to work. You might not have done anything for them all throughout the year, but this is your chance to make someone else’s day brighter.

Why not give that homeless person a gift for Christmas? It doesn’t have to be an expensive one. A Christmas package, a winter jacket, or even a take out meal would make a difference to that person. And you will also have the satisfaction of making another human being happy.

Encourage your children to donate to the less fortunate

If you have children, you’re probably up to your neck in Christmas gifts shopping lists. While you don’t have to deprive your kids of their Christmas gifts, why not help them become aware of the world outside and how they can help others?

One thing you can do is to encourage them to give away their toys and clothes to children who are in need. Ask them to pick out items that they don’t really use but are in good condition and help them wrap the gifts. You can choose to turn in the gifts to a charity or you can hand out the gifts yourself. This will be an enlightening learning experience for your children.

Spend time to reflect

celebrate christmas differently
Instead of spending two weeks on parties – and having hangovers every morning after – why not set aside time to reflect? Think about the past 11 months. What have you done? What have you achieved? What do you need to change in the coming months?

This is one commonly suggested activity during the end of the year, but why don’t you block a sizeable chunk of time during the Christmas season for reflection instead of merely an hour or so? You can even go to a retreat or any place where you can spend time in solitude. This will not only help you understand yourself better, but also help you focus for the year to come.

If you celebrate Christmas differently, it does not mean totally disregarding tradition. However, it may involve going out of your comfort zone, having new experiences, and learning new things.

Also read:

Kindness at Christmas

Originally posted on December 17, 2014 @ 8:30 am

6 Ways to Cheer You – and/or Others – Up

When you need a pick-me-upper, the tendency may be to curl up in bed and wallow. We do know how tempting that can be, but it may not be the best thing to do. You can do some other “productive” things instead, and cheer yourself up in the process.

Additionally, these things may help you cheer others up; and it has been said many times that the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer another person up. So why don’t you do one or more of these things the next time you feel down? [Read more…] about 6 Ways to Cheer You – and/or Others – Up

Originally posted on September 30, 2014 @ 9:00 am

How to Raise More Mindful Kids

Anyone who has kids will be able to relate when I say that, more than anything in life, they inspire us to be better individuals and motivate us to keep on living in a more mindful manner. With our kids’ futures on the line, we can’t help but to look beyond ourselves and act in ways that will hopefully give them a chance at a better life, and one way we can ensure that is by raising them to be more mindful as well.

angelic kid

Photo Credit: Gizaa

If you think of raising kids in a more mindful manner as one of the tasks you need to fulfil as a parent, then you will find that is definitely not the easiest item on your endless TO DO list. After all, chasing around a curious 2-year old all day or waiting for a teenager to come home all night can sap anyone’s energy and patience, leaving you feeling like you don’t have what it takes to teach your kids anything about mindfulness. However, if you approach raising your kids in a more mindful manner as something that you impart naturally to them as you live it yourself on a day to day basis, then it becomes more doable. You don’t have to feel pressured when your little one “fails to share” his toys or your teenager commits some “dreadful mistake” in life when you’d hoped that they would have learned to make better choices by now because you know that the seeds you plant as a parent will eventually come into fruition and that, as long as you continue to live by example, your kids will have a compass to guide them even when they seem to lose their way.

Still, to help you feel a bit more empowered as you strive to raise your kids to be better persons, here are a few tips on raising your kids to be more mindful individuals:

[Read more…] about How to Raise More Mindful Kids

Originally posted on July 25, 2013 @ 4:09 am