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photo credit: D R E A M MERCHANT

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.” - Francis Bacon (English Lawyer and Philosopher 1561-1626)

One of the big things that gets you about meditation training is how quickly you have to come to terms with being alone. When you sit there on your cushion and concentrate on the mind you realize how addicted you are to external stimulation - television, radio, iPod, friends, family, etc. Take them away and you feel lonely and agitated.

So how would you go in a 20 year solitary meditation retreat high up in the mountains? Would you get lonely? Here are some lessons I learned from a man who did just that.

The mountain retreat & the difference between loneliness and aloneness

A few years ago when I was in the Indian Himalayas I was attending a talk by a very important Buddhist meditation teacher. The topic of the talk was “Going on a Buddhist Retreat” and he spent the evening talking about how to plan, prepare for and carry out a solitary meditation retreat in the mountains using lessons from his own 20 year retreat. Let me give you a bit of background information:

Solitary retreat in Tibet
Solitary retreat is an ancient Buddhist tradition that was popularized in Tibet by the master known as Padmasambhava. This master would teach villagers, kings, priests and noblemen (and women!) and then send them off to a cave to meditate alone for years and years with nothing but a blanket and the clothes on their back.

These solitary meditators would soon reach an extraordinary level of meditative realization and peace and as the word spread more and more people ventured off to meditate alone in caves. A great community built up where the locals would bring food and water to these yogis and yoginis and as such they could spend years alone without ever having to leave the cave. Needless to say their meditations became very strong!

The practice of solitary retreat became so infused in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition that almost every single Tibetan Buddhist practitioner will spend some days, months or years alone by him or herself in retreat. I myself went to this teacher to learn how to do a solitary retreat and it was during his talk that I learned the difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Isn’t it lonely being alone for 20 years?
At the end of the master’s talk he asked if there were any questions. I had been a dying to do a meditation retreat for a long time but something was holding me back - loneliness. I decided I would ask him if he ever got lonely when he was alone in his cave for 20 years. I was hoping he would say “yes” and then give me some pointers on how to overcome it.

“I have a question sir,” I piped up.

“Mmmm…” he replied with a smile.

“Did you ever get lonely on retreat?”

“No.”

That was it. No. He didn’t. Everyone laughed a little and looked at each other in disbelief as if he had just told us he didn’t need to breathe air. How could someone spend 20 years alone in a cave and not be lonely some of the time? Well I wasn’t buying it. Just as someone else was raising their hand to ask another question I piped up again, “Really? You never got lonely?”

“Nope,” he assured me without an ounce of doubt in his voice.

I paused hoping for something more. Surely he had something else to say on the matter! After what seemed like half and hour he sat back in his chair and took on a more relaxed demeanor and, as if someone had hit the “play” button, he started talking about being alone.

“In all honesty I never once got lonely,” he began. “You westerners have a strange habit of always having to be entertained. It is as if you can’t stand to be in your own company. I wonder why that is?” he asked himself. “If you want to do a retreat you need to learn the difference between aloneness and loneliness. Being alone by yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you are lonely!”

It didn’t hit me at the time but what he was saying was very profound. At the time I was a little annoyed at him. I thought he was lying. But when I went home and started doing a lot more meditation I came to see what he was talking about. I was addicted to stimulation. I struggled to be alone. The Lama was right - it was as if I couldn’t stand to be in my own company!

As the months and years went by I started to become more comfortable being alone. I saw that the cravings for entertainment were just another destructive emotion that I needed to overcome. Slowly, oh so slowly, I saw that there was, in fact, a big difference between loneliness and aloneness.

The importance of spending time alone

photo credit: mcduwie

Now I am a few years down the track and I actively seek out aloneness. I need it occasionally to recharge my batteries and sought out my head. In the beginning I was scared of being alone. Now I quite enjoy it.

It is important to actively cultivate some alone time. It might be taking an hour away from technology and just sitting by yourself. It might be having a day away from your regular home life and getting back in touch with who you really are. It might be driving to the country and sitting in forest for a few hours.

And I am not talking about the “alone” time where you go off in to another room and play video games or read a book. I am talking about alone time where it is you, your mind and nothing else. Nothing. When you create moments like these you will come to discover things you never knew about yourself. Valuable things.

Loneliness is an extremely uncomfortable emotion if you get stuck in it. But, if you are afraid of being alone and are constantly searching for stimulation and entertainment you will slowly lose track of who you are - and that is much worse than being lonely.

My challenge for you is to find a couple of moments in the next few weeks to be completely alone. Watch the feelings of loneliness come and go. Watch the cravings for stimulation come and go. Watch all the pitiful excuses your mind will create to get you out of that boring situation. Watch them and let them go. Just sit. Just be alone.

My challenge for you is to discover the difference between loneliness and aloneness and all the wonderful things that understanding brings to your being.

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